How to Fix a Toilet

[wshaffer]

How to fix a toilet:

1. Notice that the toilet is whistling when it flushes. Surmise that this is not because it feels happy about being a toilet.


2. Consult the Book of John. Determine that the ballcock assembly needs replacing.


3. About 2 weeks later, in a sudden rush of do-it-yourself fervor, go to Home Depot and buy a ballcock assembly.


4. Realize that you need a pair of needlenose pliers, and put the ballcock assembly aside.


5. 2 weeks later, in a renewed rush of do-it-yourself fervor, locate needlenose pliers and get to work.


6. With toilet half-disassembled, discover that the allegedly fingertight ballcock coupling nut has been fastened by someone with finger-strength of the Hulk. Go to Home Depot and buy a wrench. Also buy a ballcock coupling nut, just in case you destroy the old one getting it off.


7. Lie on floor under toilet, mumbling "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey," while fumbling with wrench. Eventually get the ballcock coupling nut free.


8. Pull out the old ballcock assembly, and belatedly realize that you should have drained the toilet tank first. When spouse appears in response to screams, request a bucket and a large pile of towels.


9. After mopping floor and completing the draining of the toilet tank, insert new ballcock assembly, which proves to come with its own ballcock coupling nut. Fasten the nut finger-tight, reconnect the water, and pray.


10. Consult with spouse for 15 minutes on meaning of incomprehensible pictographs that constitute the installation instructions for the ballcock assembly.


11. Refill toilet tank, and fiddle with the float until the water level is right.


12. Cross-fingers, flush toilet, observe lack of whistling. Punch the air.

Total cost: ~$25, 4+ weeks of putting up with a whistling toilet, and a trip to Home Depot on Labor Day. Knowing how to fix your own toilet: priceless.