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Episode 45: You Thought You Knew How Terrible Jin Guangyao Was, But There's More

Mon, 20 Sep 2021 00:05:03 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 1

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch:

Fist Clench:

This is like the end scene of an Agatha Christie novel. Wei Wuxian as Hercule Poirot.

Aha, they found the missing pages from the Collection of Turmoil in Carp Tower. That's a bit of a giveaway.

Uh oh. Su she spits on the magic circle, destroying it, and disappears. Oh! The ghost-faced man actually is Su She. I was sort of right about that and then talked myself out of it. How did Su She actually learn how to cultivate, I wonder?

Meanwhile Wen Ning is out there holding off all the puppets by himself. He can't hold them off! Maybe someone can give him a sword he can actually draw? Sizhui is not going to let him fight alone. Neither is Jin Ling. Aw, Jiang Cheng hands over Zidian to Jin Ling.

Wei Wuxian draws a lure flag on himself in his own blood. Jingyi wants to play too. Of course he does - that's fuckin' metal.

Wei Wuxian plays the flute to draw the puppets and Lan Zhan slaughters them. Everyone else escapes from the cave. Yao Clan leader says they should find a battery charging station. I mean, recharge their spiritual power.

Sizhui runs back to the cave. And as Wei Wuxian passes out, he calls Sizhui, "Yuan". Wen Ning thinks, hmmmm...

Everybody's getting on boats, and apparently Sizhui is prone to seasickness. "How can you get seasick when you're not a northerner?" How indeed?

Ghost General arrives to freak out all the juniors. They still haven't figured him out, have they?

Wen Ning asks Sizhui his name. And who named him. "I think it's from my parents." Only Sizhui could say that without it sounding like, "DUH!!!"

"Can I call you Yuan?" Yes, I am crying right now.

Wen Ning gives Sizhui a little toy butterfly. And it matches one that he already has.

Jin Ling is super mad now. He can't really deal with Wen Ning showing so much humanity. The cognitive dissonance is strong in this one. Now Jin Ling starts to cry. Poor little Legolas.

Oh, great, Jiang Cheng is here. Surely his emotional sensitivity and way with words will fix everything. (Sometimes I think that if Jiang Cheng and Zewu Jun had just switched places, this entire story would have turned out so much better for many of those involved.)

Zizhen is such a delightful smartass.

They arrive at Lotus Pier. Wen Ning says he'll wait outside. Aw, that's not fair. Sizhui offers to keep him company. I cry again.

I guess Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan have to sit on the steps until Jiang Cheng invites them in?

Jiang Cheng returns with two women. One is wearing a veil.

Sisi (the veiled one) tells the story of how a vengeful merchant's wife cut her face with a knife. This is supposed to have made her horrifically ugly, but nah.

So Sisi and a bunch of her fellow prostitutes are brought someplace creepy. And oh look, it's Xue Yang. He may be dead, but the memory of his psychopathy lives on. And StupidHat. Who has Jin Guangshan tied to a bed. And then I guess...Jin Guangshan is basically fucked to death? Ew, StupidHat, I figured you would poison his tea. Not, whatever the hell this is. I mean, it's an appropriate way for Guangshan to go, but...

Sisi was imprisoned, but rescued by a mysterious savior.

Lan Qiren recognizes the other lady. She was Qin Su's maid. She has a story. Oh, does she have a story. Crap, remember when I said that Xue Yang's speech reminded me of Kullervo from the Kalevala and we should all be glad that he didn't have a sister? Well, Jin Guangyao is frankly even more like Kullervo and HE DID HAVE A SISTER. And like Kullervo, he married her. AAAAAAAH! I did not see that coming.

Well, I guess we know why their son had to die.

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Episode 44: Your Demon-Subdue Melody Needs More Cowbell

Mon, 06 Sep 2021 04:11:09 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 12

Intense Eye Contact: 1

Facial Twitch: 2

Fist Clench: 0

I like the way that Mianmian the elder catches herself before she blurts out "Wei Wuxian!"

"You were looking for the Yiling Patriarch? Don't you know he eats children?" Wei Wuxian is still super cute with the kids. Little Mianmian seems kind of skeptical of him, though.

This sweet reunion is interrupted by screaming of some kind. Our heroes go to investigate and are greeted by Wen Ning covered in mud and leaves. "I'm sorry, young master, did I scare you two?" Wen Ning, what are you doing, you adorable goofball?

Wen Ning's got blood on his hands. But he explains it's not human blood. He had to fight a bunch of puppets along the way.

It's the Yiling tea house. Aw, Lan Zhan smiles a little seeing that.

But then Wei Wuxian has to think about Yuan again. "If that boy were alive, he would be a teenager now." Is Lan Zhan going to say anything? Does Lan Zhan know? How could Lan Zhan not know?

They fight a bunch more puppets, and make their way to the Burial Mounds.

Demon-Subdue Palace. Home sweet home.

Then they get attacked by more puppets.

Wei Wuxian explains that his current body lacks spiritual power, so he can't really use his sword. Well, that's a really convenient excuse, but he wasn't using his sword a whole lot before he died and was resurrected.

Speaking of swords, somebody's piled up a bunch in this cave. And tied up a bunch of juniors.

Wei Wuxian hands over his sword to Wen Ning, who walks menacingly towards the juniors...and cuts their ropes. I love the way that they are all absolutely scared shitless of "The Ghost General" and do not yet realize that he is an absolute cinnamon roll.

Sizhui explains how he knows Wei Wuxian didn't hire anyone to kidnap him. "I've known you were tragically poor long before." I love that little twinkling bit of music that plays when someone says something particularly funny. (Also, you know who's not tragically poor? The Jin Clan. Just sayin'. )

Awkward silence between Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian.

Just as they're about to leave, Wen Ning is propelled back into the cave. Someone outside is calling for Jin Ling. It's our favorite Angry Grape.

Wow, everybody's here. Including Lan Qiren. Who is Very Disappointed when Lan Zhan does not abandon Wei Wuxian and return to him. Dude, you beat the crap out of him last time.

Okay, two people are not here. Jin Guangyao and Zewu Jun. Someone attempted to assassinate Jin Guangyao, and Zewu Jun is trying to save him. Really, Zewu Jun? Also, did someone really attempt to assassinate Jin Guangyao, or did he fake it to have an excuse not to take part in this particular confrontation? Jin Guangyao seems to be engaged in so many layers of manipulation that I can't tell whether anything around him happens without his direct connivance.

Nie Huaisang doesn't know anything about what is going on. Nie Huaisang is so not a badass.

Everyone gets to air their grievances against Wei Wuxian.

The discussion is interrupted by another wave of attacking puppets. And then a bunch of folks start losing their spiritual power. This is not a good time to be losing your spiritual power.

Sizhui suggests that everyone come inside Demon-Subdue palace. There's a magic circle that they might be able to mend.

Is that Nie Huaisang with a sword? I didn't think he knew how to use a sword.

Wei Wuxian's spiritual power might be disrupted, but he can fix a magic circle.

Wei Wuxian is going to explain how they were all poisoned. It will take four hours for their spiritual power to return.

Su She is really working hard to discredit Wei Wuxian. Yeah, Wei Wuxian knows what Su She is up to.

This is all coming down to incorrectly played music again.

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Episode 43: Zewu Jun Spills the Beans

Mon, 06 Sep 2021 03:50:12 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 14

INtense Eye Contact: 4

Facial Twitch: 3

Fsit Clench: 0

Ah, someone tore out a page of the Collection of Turmoil.

Zewu Jun says, "But I never mentioned the Forbidden Chamber to Jin Guangyao." Honey, I think Jin Guangyao has other sources of information.

Zewu Jun is going to test the evil music on himself. That does not seem like a great idea. On the other hand, it seems like a very Zewu Jun idea.

Zewu Jun walks back with Wei Wuxian alone. Wei Wuxian asks him about the whip scars on Lan Zhan's back.

"Do you remember when Wen Ning killed Jin Zixuan by mistake?" Even with a bad memory, that's not the kind of thing you forget.

"You are not qualified to talk to me." Ooooh, I hope Su She has some aloe for that EPIC BURN!

"Your uncle arrived. It seems he wants to take you back to Cloud Recesses." Translation: Lan Qiren is here to see you get an ass whuppin. Lan Zhan indeed gets an ass whuppin, hence the scars.

Then we get this very...delicate...explanation of the situation with Lan Zhan and Zewu Jun's parents. She killed one of their father's teachers. He loved her anyway. She didn't love him. He brought her back to Cloud Recesses anyway, and she lived in the Frigid Chamber. The Frigid Chamber? I wouldn't want to live in the Frigid Chamber. I'm not sure that "love" is the right word for what Daddy Lan was feeling.

This whole thing is messed up. Back when Wei Wuxian told Lan Zhan, "No one is going to marry you, Lan Zhan" and Lan Zhan responded, "Fine with me," I thought that was just a sly reference to teh gay. Or just Lan Zhan being a nerd who cares not for worldly things. But seriously, if I were Lan Zhan, I wouldn't have a very positive view of the institution of marriage.

I swear, if you had told me twenty-odd episodes ago that Yanli and Jin Zixuan would have one of the healthiest romantic relationships in this show, I would not have believed you.

We get a flashback to a tiny Wangji with his mother. Awwwwwwwwwww!!! She doesn't look like a homicidal maniac.

So, what happened to Lan Wangji's mother? Is she dead? Could she still be out there? I'm guessing she's dead, actually, because I have a feeling if she were alive she would have come back to Cloud Recesses and burned the Frigid Chamber to the ground.

Zewu Jun asks if Wei Wuxian understands why their father isolated himself. What I understand is that Lan Clan men are a)fucked up and b)will punish the crap out of themselves for the misdeeds of their loved ones. Oh. OH! Oh, crap. Is Zewu Jun going to be okay? I'm really afraid that Zewu Jun is not going to be okay.

Lan Zhan arrives back, with two bottles of Emperor's Smile. I thought he was going to see Lan Qiren, but actually he was going to buy booze.

"Thank you. It's awkward to say it out loud." Uh oh. Danger. Feelings dangerously close to being spoken.

Now the second flute player comes up. Gee, who do we know who is a talented musician who is up to no good?

WWX waxes all, "Fuck it, what does it matter?" So Lan Zhan starts playing the guqin. We have a beautiful musical interlude.

Oh, Stupid Hat has arrived at Cloud Recesses.

He's got a story about puppets gathering at the Burial Mounds. He doesn't know that Zewu Jun knows that Wei Wuxian isn't at the Burial Mounds. And he definitely doesn't know that Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian are listening on the other side of a screen.

Apple's been hanging out with the bunnies and does not want to leave Cloud Recesses.

Wei Wuxian plays "Wangxian" on the flute. Look at him, watching Lan Zhan's reaction. Lan Zhan admits that he wrote it, but then it gets super awkward because Wei Wuxian wants to know the name of the song, and Lan Zhan clearly does not want to admit that he gave it their ship name.

At least Wei Wuxian finally figures out that Lan Zhan recognized him because he played "Wangxian" on the flute.

They go looking for some water and are surprised by a little girl with her parents.

And the woman is Mianmian! Eeeeeee!

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Episode 42: Nothing Good Ever Happens When It Rains

Sun, 05 Sep 2021 03:48:51 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 18

Intense Eye Contact: 5

Facial Twitch: 3

Fist Clench:

Jin Guangyao finally agrees to let our heroes into the secret chamber. "It's not as though there are some disreputable things in it." Uh, apart from the severed head and the imprisoned wife.

Su She gets in a smirky comment about Master Mo's interest in Madam Jin.

The severed head appears to be missing. There is a creepy-ass dagger that used to belong to Wen Ruohan.

Oh, shit! Qin Su grabs the dagger and stabs herself. I don't think anyone was expecting that. Unless, Jin Guangyao was expecting that. Oh crap. That's a very convenient way of disposing of her without making him look culpable, isn't it?

Jiang Cheng shows up and Zewu Jun explains the plot up to this point.

Poor Nie Huaisang passes out.

Jin Guangyao is shocked, shocked that Nie Mingjue's head was cut off. "Who in this world could have done such an insane act?" That would be...you? Or I guess that Xue Yang actually did the decapitation.

Jin Guangyao wants to know how they knew about the secret chamber. Zewu Jun looks right at WWX. Don't take up poker, dude.

Swords come out! And Wei Wuxian draws Suibian. Which kind of gives him away.

Jin Ling doesn't want to believe it at first. Poor Jin Ling - one of the few people in the world to actually be nice to him is one of the people he's been brought up from birth to hate.

And Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan are running away. Holding hands. Well, Lan Zhan is holding Wei Wuxian's wrist. Right where he still has the scar from the fourth person Mo Xuanyu wanted him to kill. Ouchie.

"Huanguang Jun was also fooled by you."

"Yes he was." Wei Wuxian's trying to give Lan Zhan a convenient out.

"No, I knew he was Wei Ying all along"

Oh, that little smile on Lan Zhan's face. Huangang Jun is out of fucks.

Lan Zhan: Shut up, babe, it's fighting time.

And Jin Ling stabs Wei Wuxian. Not immediately fatally, apparently. However, it is now pouring rain, so it's bad.

Blood splash on the camera lens!

Wei Wuxian wakes up in Cloud Recesses.

Lan Zhan sees the open wound from the Sacrifice Summon. I bet it's Jin Guangyao who is the fourth person who needs to be killed. Yep, Lan Zhan confirms it.

But who is their mysterious ally? "Do you think this person will be Jin Guangyao's lover?" Lan Zhan's like, "Nope!" He knows his big brother has no clue.

Lan Zhan can't draw Suibian. It can really only be drawn by Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian finally realizes where he is. "What if your brother finds out?" Zewu Jun, "I found out already!" Zewu Jun has it all figured out, except for the most crucial part.

Jin Guangyao has promised a full account. A truthful account would be nice, but I'm not betting on it.

"Did you know that (Jin Guangyao's) Song of Clarity was taught by me personally?" Yes we know. So Wei Wuxian plays the melody for him. And Zewu Jun and Haunguang Jun tell him that one passage is wrong. Now, Zewu Jun is convinced that something is up.

Oh, they're going to the Forbidden Chamber! Where they find that passage in the Collection of Turmoil.

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Episode 41: Imitation is the Insincerest Form of Flattery

Sun, 05 Sep 2021 03:30:23 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stare: 8

INtense Eye Contact:

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench:

Okay, first things first: Butts, redux. The astoundingly talented Alyc Helms illustrated my epic rant from back in Episode 23. You can see it here at The Untamed Assessment. With bonus Lan Wangji. It is a thing of beauty. Or a succession of pairs of things of beauty, really. Go, read, enjoy, share. My random meanderings about Episode 41 of The Untamed will keep.

Hold onto the joy of all those butts, 'cause this is going to get rough.

Little Paper Man activates Empathy on Nie Mingjue's severed head.

We flash back to Jin Guangyao back when he was just Meng Yao. And everybody picked on him. He looks so young here. So innocent.

In the cave, the other disciples are talking shit about Meng Yao. Does Nie Mingjue shut them up? No, not right away. He gives Meng Yao time to really soak in the humiliation. 10/10 for giving these guys enough rope to hand themselves, but it would have been kinder to everyone involved to shut this all down faster. Well, there's a reason why he's Red Blade Master and not People Skills Master.

See what you made Red Blade Master do? He broke the cave wall. I know the cave wall is styrofoam anyway, but that looked quite impressive. Nie Mingjue promotes Meng Yao to Vice General.

Unfortunately, his Vice General is also a frigging psychopath. Who is talking to Xue Yang. Yeah, I didn't see this coming, but Meng Yao and Xue Yang are like two peas in a pod. They've both grown up being denied what they feel they deserve from the world. Xue Yang just did it with more squalor and poverty.

Nie Mingjue is so badass. Surprisingly ineffectual, but badass.

And see, Nie Mingjue gets mad when another man handles his sword. "How many times will Clan Leader Wen spank it until it's broken?" Uh, something got lost in translation there.

I still think the sworn brother thing was a bad idea. If I had to guess, I'd bet it was Zewu Jun playing peacemaker, trying to smooth things over between Jin Guangyao and his former patron. It's like when geek social fallacies meet cultivation.

Zewu Jun and Jin Guangyao are playing a duet together for Nie Mingjue. Guangyao! Stop undressing Zewu Jun with your eyes! We all do it, but we try to be discreet.

Also, that cloud brocade pattern on Zewu Jun's outfit is so gorgeous that I nearly called Daniel into the room to see it. And to verify that I'm correct in calling it brocade.

"What would you like to teach me then?" Dude, stop.

Ah, the Song of Clarity. Also known as the mating song of the Lan Clan.

Wait, I think that's a different melody. What are you up to, Guangyao? Unless I'm greatly mistaken, he's playing the Song of Fucking Shit Up.

"Nie Mingjue's temperament is getting worse. If you hadn't been playing the Song of Clarity for him every day..." Oh, Zewu Jun.

Confrontation between Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao. Oh, Jin Guangyao is laying it all on the table now. This is totally his version of Xue Yang's speech about how his fingers got crushed while trying to get some candy, just several rungs up the socio-economic ladder. Also, Jin Guangyao is not the one who's going to die here.

That was some kick. Nie Mingjue. Still badass. Still ineffective.

Guangyao straightens that stupid hat. "It's time for the Song of Clarity."

"Didn't you notice any difference in the Song of Clarity played by me and that played by Lan Xichen?" Clearly, Nie Mingjue is not deeply musical. You could never pull that trick on Lan Zhan - he'd pull all the strings off your giqun.

Mingjue is literally exploding in little gouts of blood. That is some serious qi disruption.

Back in the present: The little paper man has been spotted. Oh no!

What's that the little paper man has found? That would be Suibian, wouldn't it? Little paper man manages to draw the sword! And then escapes!

It's showdown time!

And Su She arrives.

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Episode 40: The Crime Fighting Adventures of Little Paper Man

Wed, 25 Aug 2021 03:25:16 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 8

Intense Eye Contact: 3

Facial Twitch:

Fist Clench:

Legolas continues to list off Wei Wuxian's sins.

"If we continue to quarrel and attract Haungang Jun's attention..." You already attracted Haunguang Jun's attention. But no - he just wants some booze.

"It was liquor that Hanguang Jun was holding." Jingyi drops his food and Sizhui helpfully puts it back in his mouth. I love those two.

Wen Ning is hanging around outside the window. Upside down like a little bat. He wants to know if that was Lady Jiang's son. Aw, poor Wen Ning.

Lan Zhan comes in, and Wei Wuxian is trying to look all casual. I'm not sure why he's trying to hide Wen Ning's presence from Lan Zhan.

"I also wish I had a poor memory." Yeah, I knew you were bullshitting.

There is some extremely unsubtle art at the cultivator's conference, showing people in stupid hats being all benevolent and stuff. Poor Jin Guangyao - he's only ever wanted his father's approval, and now his father is dead and he'll never get it. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Jiang Cheng is being a dick, but Guangyao is here to smooth things over. Guangyao has an interesting reaction to seeing Wei Wuxian there.

"I'm afraid of embarrassing you." Since when? Really, Wei Wuxian, where did this newfound concern over embarrassing Lan Zhan come from?

Who's that with Guangyao? She's cute. Her name's Qin Su. I'm slightly appalled that StupidHat got himself married. This was not what I meant when I thought to myself that this show could use some bisexual representation.

And she is not happy to see "Mo Xuanyu". There is definitely some past there.

"Let's drink until we are drunk." For Lan Zhan, that will take approximately 3 seconds. Drink fast, guys.

Huaisang seems very upset. And possibly quite drunk. But he provides a convenient distraction that allows Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan to slip off and snoop around.

I see that Jin clan cousin relationships are as harmonious as ever. Poor Legolas. If I grew up with these guys, I'd have a chip on my shoulder the size of a Stature Measuring Snake too. All he wants is someone's approval, and the person he's most likely to get it from is Wei Wuxian.

Mo Xuanyu "pestered" Jin Guangyao's wife? Ew. Wei Wuxian, why did you have to get yourself reincarnated by such a twerp?

A fistfight breaks out, and Wei Wuxian teaches Jin Ling a little martial arts.

"While you are still young, beat those that you still want to beat." Solid life advice.

"Actually, I have fallen in love with someone else." No kidding.

"Are you really Mo Xuangyu?" Legolas is figuring it out. He's not stupid, at least when he can get let go of his defensiveness.

Little paper guy again. Tugging at the headband. Oh, but he has not been created for the sole purpose of teasing Lan Zhan. Off he goes! He's found his way to somebody's desk. Guangyao's probably. Qin Su appears. She looks unwell, and picks up the piece of paper from the desk.

Guangyao appears. Su has met someone, and wants to know if what is in the letter is true. She hands him the letter. DON'T HAND HIM THE LETTER, GIRL! Guangyao denies it, but Su is not buying it.

Argh, he burns the letter. I told you not to hand him the letter! Never hand the accused your only piece of concrete evidence. Especially not when there's a little paper man nearby who would really like to read it.

"I would prefer that you just kill me." Girl, you really don't want to say that. I feel bad for Qin Su. She seems to have had genuine affection for the person she thought she was married to.

Oh, they had a kid. Who died. And he's explaining that the kid had to die, because if he grew up... If he grew up, what? He'd have to arrange for the murder of his cousin in order to become clan leader? He'd see through Jin Guangyao's bullshit?

Oh shit. Girl, you should never have turned your back on this man. Okay, Guangyao walks her through a mirror into a ... torture chamber? WTF? Who has a secret torture chamber just off his freaking bedroom? Um. I mean a real one, not a recreational one.

The little paper man finds a title deed from Yunmeng city? Is this all some kind of weird real estate scam?

Uh oh. I think Guangyao has spotted the paper man.

Aaa. That's the severed head of Nie Mingjue behind that curtain, isn't it?

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Episode 39: It's Going Down In Coffin Town

Tue, 17 Aug 2021 03:06:27 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 9

Intense Eye Contact: 5

Facial Twitch: 0

Fist Clench: 0

Xue Yang is one creepy-ass motherfucker. What does Wei Wuxian mean, if he wanted revenge, he should have executed Lingchen on himself? I guess that he has created his own problems.

Xue Yang throws some nails at WWX, but Wen Ning catches them.

Oh, poor Jing sacrifices herself, allowing Lan Zhan to locate Xue Yang in the fog.

This guy just won't die. I'm half expecting the characters to start shouting, "Your arm's off!" "No it isn't. It's only a flesh wound!"

Here comes mask guy! He takes the amulet and disappears. I see your friend has shown you all the loyalty you deserve, Xue Yang.

Lan Zhan says mask guy has Lan clan sword skills, but also Jin clan sword skills. Hmm. I had been wondering if mask guy might be Su She, since he was trained in Lan Clan skills. Except that mask man is a powerful cultivator and Su She kinda sucks. But would Su She know any Jin clan techniques? Would Su She know anything?

Song Lan gets his revenge. Xue Yang is finally dead.

We get a flashback to Xiao Xingchen stabbing Xue Yang. See! This guy is hard to kill. Xue Yang tells a story about how his hand was crushed when he ran after a cart full of candy when he was a child. And the cart was driven by someone from the Chang Clan.

At this point, Daniel rolled his eyes and left the room. (To be fair, he has not really been watching The Untamed straight through, so he missed a lot of the earlier scenes that justified this. Personally, I think it's a bit over the top, but it mostly works.)

So that was why he wiped out the entire Chang Clan. This reminds me of the story of Kullervo in the Kalevala, and Vainamoinen's little speech at the end which basically boils down to how you shouldn't abuse children because they'll grow up to do messed up stuff. We can all pause and be thankful that Xue Yang apparently does not have a sister.

Now poor Xiao Xingchen finds out the truth. And he can't take it, so he cuts his own throat. Oh, Xue Yang wasn't expecting that. Xue Yang seems very upset that he's lost his playmate. So much so that he then waited around for years (?) with Xiao Xingchen's spiritual cognition in a bag hoping that someone would come along who could restore it. Did he really enjoy messing with Xiao Xingchen that much, or is there more going on? Well, whatever it is, Xue Yang is not going to get to bring those plans to fruition.

They have a little funeral for Jing. Jingyi and Zizhen are so upset, they're straight up ugly crying. I forgive you for everything rude you've said about ladies, Jingyi. For now.

Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian head back to Coffin Town. They give Xiao Xingchen's spiritual cognition to Song Lan. Song Lan heads off to be a mute wandering cultivator fighting evil with two swords. Spinoff series, anyone? I feel kind of bad for Song Lan - in some other series, he might be the biggest badass around, but in this one, he doesn't even make the top five.

Meanwhile, Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian open a coffin that is lined with talismans but otherwise empty. The music gets very strident. The coffin slides back to reveal a slab with red writing on it.

And under the slab is a body and the ghostly image of a cleaver like sword. Is it Mingjue? I think it's Mingjue, but I can't quite tell.

Meanwhile, back in town...the juniors are shopping. Legolas tries to give Sizhui crap for liking toys, but Jingyi tells him to piss off.

Sizhui wants to know if Jingyi remembers life before he was 3. Okay, we're building up to a moment of revelation here.

Oh, Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian have made it back to town as well. What happened with the ghost?

We see little Yuan in flashback. Awwww.

Then Wei Wuxian suggests to Lan Zhan that they buy a rabbit lantern, and Lan Zhan does not declare the idea boring. This feels like a milestone.

But Zewu Jun has arrived to ruin their date. They confirm that they did find Nie Mingjue's body (sans head, which explains why I couldn't be sure it was him) in Coffin Town.

Oh. Oh crap. I see where this leading. Mask man is Jin Guangyao. Yeah, that makes sense. If there's one Jin man who's definitely handled a Lan Clan man's sword...it's Jin Guangyao.

Said Lan Clan man says that it can't be Guangyao because they've been planning a Cultivator's Conference together for the past month. Which is a delightfully nerdy alibi. Oh, and they went night hunting together a few days ago and Zewu Jun would totally have been able to tell if Guangyao had been using portal spells.

Now the juniors are having an argument about Wei Ying, because Lan Sizhui apparently said that maybe he wasn't an utterly terrible person and Jin Ling pitched a fit. That eyeroll from Lan Zhan as he heads off to deal with them is precious. You know he's like, "Lan Qiren, I know how you felt all those years ago."

Heh. Zewu Jun has recognized Wei Wuxian as well. You can't fool Zewu Jun. Unless you have dimples and a stupid hat.

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Episode 38: Like Taking Candy from a Freaking Psychopath

Tue, 17 Aug 2021 02:45:11 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 0 (I must have missed a brooding stare somewhere. Though to be fair, there's not a lot of Lan Zhan in this episode)

Intense Eye Contact: 0

Facial Twitch: 0

Fist Clench: 0

Jingyi sasses Jin Ling for having a "lady's temper". This seems odd, because the ladies in this show are not, in general, a fickle and temperamental lot. Then again, have either of these dudes ever spent any significant time with a lady? Probably not.

TEN YEARS AGO

Another flashback. We see our girl Jing being so happy. And pretending to be blind. And using that to get free food and pick pockets.

And then she bumps into Xiao Xingchen. Who really can't see. He makes her return the money that she stole from the first guy. But he won't let her return his moneybag that she stole. So, she decides to follow him.

And then she spots a guy crawling towards the road. She tries to conceal it from Xiao Xingchen but he smells the blood. So they pick up this injured guy and carry him to Coffin Town. Who is that? Is that Xue Yang? Yep, it's Xue Yang. Jing had it right. They should have left him there. Xue Yang probably can't believe his luck that he was found by a blind Xiao Xingchen.

OMG, I don't believe that Xue Yang is doing the "Would you like some candy little girl?" routine. He clearly suspects that she can actually see, but she's doing a really good job of faking.

THREE YEARS LATER

Jing is still stealing purses. Song Lan comes to Coffin Town.

"He looks pretty nice." That is not a very specific description, but Song Lan seems to accept it as identifying Xiao Xingchen.

And then Song Lan spots Xue Yang. Xue Yang has been hanging around with Xiao Xingchen and Jing in Coffin Town for three years? (At least intermittently - something Jing said makes me think that maybe Xue Yang isn't there all the time.) Still, Xue Yang apparently knows how to play the long game. The long crazy-as-fuck game.

"You curse like a lady." Everybody dissing on the ladies today.

Xiao Xingchen gave his eyes to Song Lan. Oh. I guess that makes sense - when we last saw Song Lan, something had happened to his eyes, but it seemed like he was going to recover. So that was after Xiao Xingchen gave his eyes to Song Lan? Maybe?

Uh oh, the Stygian Tiger Amulet is out. And Xue Yang cuts out Song Lan's tongue. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Song Lan is dying right there and Xiao Xingchen can't see it. Xue Yang, you asshole!

Back in the present, Wen Ning restrains Song Lan and Wei Wuxian pulls another nail out of his head. They're really milking the squick factor there.

Lan Zhan manages to swipe the spiritual cognition bag and toss it to Wei Wuxian.

Wait, so is it Xiao Xingchen's spiritual cognition in the bag? What the heck is Xue Yang up to?

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Episode 37: Another Terrible Class Field Trip

Sun, 15 Aug 2021 00:09:10 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 1

Intense Eye Contact:

Facial Twitch:

Fist Clench:

Wei Wuxian asks for a volunteer. Predictably, Sizhui is the first to volunteer. Legolas follows along.

That is some hella spicy congee Wei Wuxian is making.

I've been working on a menu for a hypothetical Untamed themed dinner party. There would be lotus root and rib soup, of course, loquats (if I can find any), and some sort of dish made with radish. And spicy glutinous rice congee. And just to pay tribute to Zewu Jun, buns.

Meanwhile, he asks the kids why they're here. They're chasing something. But they don't know what it is. Someone was hanging around outside Legolas's door, but when he goes to check, they're gone. Or are they? Maybe he let something invisible into his room. And then someone left him a dead cat outside his room.

Sizhui is the only one who is paying attention to the congee while they are talking through all of this.

The congee is indeed hella spicy. I still can't tell if Wei Wuxian is messing with these kids or just trying to get them to cough up all their bad qi. I suppose "both" is still an option.

Someone's coming. It's a blind woman with a stick. WWX pretends it's something amazing, so Jin Ling has to take a look. He sees a creepy woman's face, and pretends it's no big deal. So Sizhui has to look and she spits up blood at him.

Kid in the red robe thinks she's cute. Who is this kid? (Apparently he is Ouyang Zizhen. I think some Ouyang clan guys were lecturing Wei Wuxian right before the whole Stygian Tiger Amulet Keep Away game. Anyhow. He's got kinda weird taste in women but I guess we need a token heterosexual.)

Okay, she's blind, but not a monster, and clearly not having a good time. Then she runs off, and there's a blindfolded guy with a sword. He's also spitting up blood. Because he's been poisoned.

They bring him in and recognize his sword. It's Xiao Xingchen! Why is Xiao Xingchen wearing black? I mean, I know in the real world people are allowed to have multiple colors in their wardrobe, but in this setting it seems like it should have significance.

So they seal the door, and someone drops through the ceiling. It's a puppet Song Lan. Ew, his tongue's been cut out. Oh, gross, we've got another brain spike. Who does that to people?

Lan Sizhui has a guqin too. Just like his daddy!

Song Lan was killed by Xiao Xingchen. And is being controlled by Xiao Xingchen. Or at least, "the one behind you." Which is carefully not the same as "Xiao Xingchen". Hmmm.

The kids get sent outside, but Sizhui doesn't want to go. "Master Mo, you are so much like Hanguang Jun." Wei Wuxian doesn't like that. The puppet leaves too.

Xiao Xingchen hands WWX a bag. Apparently, it is someone's spiritual cognition. Someone dead. Oh. Oh. That's not Xiao Xingchen. That's Xue Yang. That makes way more sense than it being Xiao Xingchen. And that explains why he's wearing black.

Puppet fight! Wen Ning and Song Lan are going at it.

"Do you often sneak up on people in the middle of a conversation?" Dude, have you met him? Xue Yang's response basically boils down to, "Dude, have you met me?"

Huanguang Jun to the rescue again!

Xue Yang has a sword called "The Looming Disaster"? I love that name so much. What is it with bad guys and double-bladed swords, though?

Our hereoes go to the coffin house, where freaky lady clearly wants them to open a coffin. And in the coffin is the real Xiao Xingchen. Looking very dead.

"How about Empathy?""No way, too dangerous" Yes, we knew Jin Ling was not into empathy.

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Episode 36: Lan Zhan Nearly Reveals His True Feelings, But Chickens Out

Sat, 14 Aug 2021 23:48:49 GMT

Brooding Stares: 10

Intense Eye Contact: 3

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench: 0

Wei Wuxian has to carry Lan Zhan back to where they're staying and put him to bed. "Even after 16 years, he's still a lightweight." Lightweight doesn't even really cover it. Like, I'm not sure that this is physiologically possible. Do you even have a liver, bro? And does your liver actually produce additional ethanol in the presence of ethanol? Because that is the only way I can explain it.

So WWX goes out into the street and plays the flute. And who's that coming down the street, dragging those big ol' chains? It's Wen Ning!

Wen Ning seems a little out of it. Ew! I'd be out of it if I had that thing stuck in my head. Gross.

Hmmm, so the Jin clan didn't didn't destroy Wen Ning after all. They imprisoned him. Because they're the Jin clan.

Wei Wuxian declares he's going to borrow Lan Zhan's sword to cut the chains off of Wen Ning. For a guy who doesn't feel like carrying his own sword, he's awfully free with Lan Zhan's. #TotallyAEuphemism

Woah. I just googled "Bichen" (the name of Lan Zhan's sword) to see what the name means, and I learned that it means "to avoid dust (in the sense of worldly matters)" and also that apparently in chapter 119 of the novel, Wei Wuxian is, um, very free with Lan Zhan's sword. Welp. Reading the novel is going to be an interesting experience, I can tell.

Wen Ning sees Lan Zhan appear and is like, "Oh shit, time to bounce!" Look at him run! He is so ridiculous!

And somehow WWX and Lan Zhan get lost going back to the inn.

"Lan Zhan, what do you want?" He wants to give Wei Wuxian a .... rooster. I'm going to be very mature here because I'm sure that pun doens't work in Mandarin. Really, who among us hasn't presented our crush with random livestock in an attempt to express how we feel?

"Are they good or not?" Yes, I understand that young men are frequently insecure about their...roosters. No, I know the real double entendre here is that it looks like Lan Zhan is offering Wei Wuxian a bride price, but these jokes write themselves.

They carve their names on a post together. That's so cute. Also, whoever owns that house is going to dine out on that story for years, I hope. "So, I woke up in the morning and all the chickens were loose and Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian had left graffiti on my front porch."

When they get back to the inn, there's someone in a mask in their room. Lan Zhan appears to fight pretty well when drunk. Wei Wuxian just kinda sits back and watches the fun.

Oh, no, now they're playing truth or dare. Lan Zhan likes rabbits. Lan Zhan's regret is that at Nightless City, he wasn't at Wei Wuxian's side. He kinda was, though? Eventually Lan Zhan decides that he has had enough talking and goes to sleep. Like literally, "okay, done now" and lies down and passes out.

The next morning, there this gang of mooplings playing Sunshot Campaign. The one playing Nie Mingjue has a little moustache drawn on his face. That is so stinkin' cute. I am dead! Wei Wuxian asks why there's no Yiling Patriarch, and then someone's mom comes along to scold the kids. "Run, it's the Yiling Patriarch!" they all cry as they shatter. Poor Wei Wuxian. Still the villain in everyone's mind.

"You didn't do anything last night. You just talked a lot." Lan Zhan doesn't really find this reassuring. "For example, I like-" That look of terror on Lan Zhan's face! It's okay, dude, you just said that you like rabbits.

They're off following the bag again. The road leads to Coffin Town. That's not ominous at all.

And an ominous fog rolls in.

"If someone sneaks between us in the fog, we might not notice him." "Be careful." Wei Wuxian makes a face - he was totally going to suggest that they hold hands.

And Wei Wuxian runs into the ducklings. Apparently Fairy the Wonder Dog has been fighting with Apple. Jingyi gets to sass Jin Ling about his dog.

Oh, look, the villagers have arrived. They don't look friendly. Lan Zhan deals with them with a single chord.

Then the guy in the mask shows up again. Lan Zhan chases him, leaving Wei Wuxian to supervise all the teenagers. Lan Zhan has the less terrifying job here.

The juniors are really bugged by the fog. Ugh, their tongues are turning black. It can't tell if they are really poisoned, or is WWX just messing with them? Perhaps both.

Well, the shopkeeper is not creepy at all. Also aren't those those black puppet marks on her neck? And there are creepy paper dolls hanging from the ceiling. Yes, and now WWX sees the puppet marks. In other circumstances, I think even Wei Wuxian might nope out of this situation, but he needs to use the kitchen.

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Episode 35: Chekhov's Piggy Back Ride

Fri, 13 Aug 2021 03:01:17 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 24

Intense Eye Contact: 8

Facial Twitch: 3

Fist Clench:

Immediately after having fallen for the "Oh no, Jiang Cheng!" trick, Legolas falls for the "Oh no, Haungaung Jun!" trick. Like this poor child does not have enough trust issues.

"Lan Zhan, I'm fine" Lan Zhan immediately pulls up Wei Wuxian's robe to reveal the trace of the evil spell. Two can play at this sudden random physical intimacy game.

"I'll carry you." Oh yeah, Chekhov's piggy back ride is happening. Wei Wuxian totally ruins the moment by complaining it's embarrassing and then claiming that he doesn't ever remember wanting to carry Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian, you're breaking my heart into a million little pieces! You know that Lan Zhan has been treasuring the memory of almost being carried by Wei Wuxian for the better part of two decades, and then Wei Wuxian denies even remembering it! And does he really not remember? He kind of reminds me of the son of a friend of mine, whose response to being asked to talk about anything he doesn't want to talk about is to deny remembering it. It's more forgivable in him because he is 11. Although, Wei Wuxian is still basically emotionally a teenager, I guess.

I was about to say that it must be hard for Wei Wuxian - everyone else has had sixteen years to process the events that immediately preceded his death, and for him it probably seems like it was yesterday. On the other hand, Jiang Cheng doesn't exactly seem to have put the past behind him. Also, I'm trying and failing to wrap my head around the mathematical fact that Lan Zhan must be in his thirties.

Watching the tall and lanky Lan Zhan carry the equally tall and lanky Wei Wuxian on his back is kind of ridiculous. I hope there's blooper reel from that day of filming.

Lan Zhan tells WWX to put on his mask. And then kicks down the door to reveal Nie Huaisang. Who claims to know nothing. Before he's even been asked any questions. Oh, Huaisang. Clan Leadership has not brought out your better qualities.

"I feel we've met before." Heh.

It's not a man-eating bunker. It's the ancestral grave of Nie's family?

Oh dear. Apparently the Nie Clan has a problem with possessed swords. But it's not wicked tricks! Poor Huaisang, having to babysit all these bloodthirsty blades. And provide them with evil spirits to fight. And grave robbers to nom on.

Huaisang hands over a rock. I'm not sure what the significance of the rock is.

Wei Wuxian compliments Huaisang's favorite fan. See, this is why I don't buy the "I have a bad memory" thing. You can remember Huaisang's favorite fan, which you saw once, but you can't remember offering to carry Lan Zhan on your back. I disbelieve.

Lan Zhan wants to help Wei Wuxian get rid of the evil spell, but Wei Wuxian seems shy about him getting involved. This is like the flip side of that scene in the Danger Turtle cave. However, before things go any further, the little magic bag starts freaking out, and these two have to play a duet.

Lan Zhan fixes the flute. You know that Lan Zhan has perfect pitch and it's been driving him nuts. I love it when these two play music together. I would watch an infinite number of episodes of them wandering around the countryside investigating weird stuff and playing duets together.

Our two heroes go to check out the Blade Shrine again, where Nie Huaisang is supervising some workmen fixing the wall.

"We don't practice swords, we practice blades." Okay, this is a slight lost-in-translation moment, but that explains why Nie Mingjue was always running around with this giant Cloud Strife proportioned cleaver when everyone else had normal swords.

Speaking of giant cleavers, Nie Mingjue's blade is not here.

We get a flashback to Mingjue's death. Mr. Jinsincerity himself was there. That's not suspicious at all. Oh, and actually Mingjue's body was never found. Well, that 100% guarantees that Mingjue's sword, and possibly Mingjue himself, are out there causing trouble.

Nie Huaisang is listening to them talk about the sword ghost and his reaction is interesting. He's clenching his fist. I'm not good at reading Huaisangalytics, so I'm not sure what that means.

"How's your trace of evil spell?"

"There's a little left."

"What do you mean, little?"

"A little. Do you want me to undress and show you?" Does he ever. Seriously, I had to rewind the subsequent conversation four times because I was too busy watching Lan Zhan's reaction to that to read the subtitles.

Wei Wuxian realizes they are dealing with two mysterious people. One of whom might be on their side, and one of whom is not. Something like that. Did I mention that I was not really focusing on the subtitles?

Lan Zhan really does not want to tell Wei Wuxian how he recognized him. It was the flute playing, right?

Yes, I still love every time WWX gets to overhear a story about himself.

What! Did they just say Xue Yang is a courtier of the Jin Clan? And Jin Guangshan saved his life? How? Seriously people - you're all hell bent on slaughtering a bunch of Wen clan radish farmers but Xue Yang somehow gets a pass? And then he was punished by Guangyao? Well, chalk up one more actually good thing that Guangyao did. Maybe.

Lan Zhan grabs Wei Wuxian's cup of liquor and downs it. I don't blame him. What I just heard would drive anyone to drink. And look at those Zhanalytics. Poor boy must be exhausted from all the feels.

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Episode 34: Wei Wuxian Meets His Match in Fairy The Wonder Dog

Mon, 09 Aug 2021 00:49:39 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 15

Intense Eye Contact: 5

Facial Twitch: 3

Fist Clench: 0

That is the cutest dog. And Wei Wuxian is clearly terrified of it. Legolas is enjoying this too much.

Woah, watch Lan Zhan do that flip. I love that they pulled out all the stunt stops for a scene in which Lan Zhan saves Wei Wuxian from a dog. Legolas is taken aback.

Then they go back to question the dubious portrait vendor. "People call me Mr. Know It All of Qinghe!" He tells them about Cannibal Monsters! Wei Wuxian is hitting him with logic - if everyone was eaten, how does anyone know they were eaten? Who were these people? Mr. Know-It-All is disappointing. He does spill some gossip about the Nie Clan. OMG, did Huaisang end up as Clan Leader after all?

Yes he did. Red Blade Master dropped dead in public? Is this a thing that regularly happens to cultivators? They overload on spiritual energy and just...boom? Or is it a Nie clan thing? I mean, if anyone in this show seems like they're perpetually on the verge of exploding, it is Nie Mingjue. Though Jiang Cheng is not far behind.

We get to find out why WWX is afraid of dogs. He had to fight them for food when he was living on the streets.

We hear not-very-scary dog yapping. Wei Wuxian immediately leaps behind Lan Zhan! "Huanguang Jun, move." "Let go of me first." Wei Wuxian, you keep touching Lan Zhan and calling him "Huangang Jun". I believe this is what is known as "sending mixed signals." I do like the fact that Lan Zhan is clearly much more comfortable in Wei Wuxian's company than he was previously. I mean, it's a low bar. But still. He had 3 entire facial expressions in this episode. That might be a new record.

Uh oh. Legolas has gotten himself in trouble. In a freaky dark cave. The cave is messing with Wei Wuxian's head. Out comes the evil-detecting compass.

Blades Shrine. Well, at least it's not Demon Cave or something. There are all these coffin-like things with weapons in them. Weird. Who buries swords? I think they've found the source of their sword ghost.

Lan Zhan's plays the guqin to commune with the spirit, who doesn't seem to know anything. Except that he is a 16 year old male from Lanling. Wait a minute, how can Jin Ling be the spirit here?

Yikes, is he in the wall? Yeah, along with some skeletons.

Dude, can you just grab another man's sword like that? I guess Wei Wuxian can grab Lan Zhan's sword anytime.

Legolas looks slightly possessed. Or maybe just groggy.

Somebody's running around outside. Lan Zhan chases after him while Wei Wuxian looks after Legolas.

Wait, those are Nie Clan robes worn by our mystery fugitive, aren't they? Lan Zhan manages to cut off some fabric before the guy gets away.

Uh oh, someone put an evil spell on Jin Ling. Jin Ling's just freaked out that Wei Wuxian is messing with his clothes. Does Wei Wuxian level with him about what is going on? No, not at all.

"One death is enough for me." LOL.

Okay, Wei Wuxian. Stay calm, you can hide from Jiang Cheng. But you can't hide from Fairy the Wonder Dog. Ooops.

This is still not a happy brotherly reunion. Does Wei Wuxian level with Jiang Cheng and tell him what's really going on? No. On the other hand, would Jiang Cheng listen? Also no.

Then Legolas shows up and says he thinks he saw Wen Ning. And then springs WWX from imprisonment as soon as Jiang Cheng is off to find Wen Ning. Those two seem to have developed a rapport pretty quickly.

Well, a limited rapport.

Wei Wuxian says, "I'm sorry" to Jin Ling, who wants to know what for. Oh kiddo, do you have time for thirty episodes of flashback? Wei Wuxian says it's an apology for what he said at Dafan mountain, and then knocks him out. Evil spell is still there. Wei Wuxian is going to transfer it to himself. That sounds like a real good idea. Is it? We'll find out next time.

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Episode 33: My Emotions, Like Wei Wuxian After Falling Off the Cliff, Are in Freefall

Sun, 08 Aug 2021 04:21:51 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 20

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench:

Yeah, watching Yanli die isn't any easier in the recap.

Now everyone is going to give Wei Wuxian a lecture on the battlefield, telling him this is what you get if you study wicked tricks. Jerks. Have some respect for Yanli, at least.

Lan Zhan is cutting down everyone who's coming at him, and Zewu Jun is like, "Okay, bro, I guess we're doing this."

I am still pained by how obvious it is the Wei Wuxian is not actually playing that flute.

Lan Zhan gets slashed in the arm. Be careful, dude. I know you survive to the flash forward, but I'm not taking anything for granted right now.

Now we get the keep-away scene with the Stygian tiger amulet from the beginning.

Poor Jiang Cheng has not moved this whole time. He's just sitting there with Yanli.

And now Wei Wuxian starts to fall. And Lan Zhan catches him. That is a good way for someone to tear their rotator cuff.

Here comes the Angry Grape. And he shouts, "Wei Wuxian, go to hell!" and stabs the rock. Uh. Is this another fake out?

And then, Wei Wuxian falls...

SIXTEEN YEARS LATER

Back in Cloud Recesses, Lan Zhan is playing music while Wei Wuxian is sleeping nearby.

We get a brief recap of stuff that happened thirty episodes ago.

"It's been sixteen years." Lan Zhan has a visible, "Oh shit, you're awake, now I might have to talk about things" reaction.

"Did you really believe me back then?" Wow, we're cutting to the chase here. Are these two actually going to have a frank conversation? Lan Zhan doesn't answer that. Okay, there are limits to frank conversation.

More flashbacks.

And bunnies! I don't think those are the same bunnies you met before, Wei Wuxian. These are those bunnies' descendants, most likely. Although for all I know, they're cultivator bunnies, and they live to be a hundred years old, and can grow giant carrots by using the power of their golden core.

I'm feeling a bit weirdly off balance here. 30 episodes of flashback is a lot, and then we jump from the absolute mayhem of that battle to being in Cloud Recesses.

Wei Wuxian surprises Lan Zhan bathing. Somewhere in the depths of AO3 headquarters, the alarm klaxon sounds. Lan Zhan has whip scars and it looks like he was branded? With Lady Wang's weird brand thing? How did that happen? There's no one from the Wen clan left. Although now I guess Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian have matching brands. Is that romantic or disturbing? Yes.

"What have you done to deserve such severe punishment?" I'm guessing it had to do with supporting a certain Wei Wuxian. Lan Zhan isn't telling, though.

It's Babyface and Jingyi again. <3 <3 <3

Uh oh, the first class spiritual tool is acting up again. The sword from Mo Manor is causing havoc. Huh, and I guess Lan Qiren did survive to the flash forward. I wouldn't have bet on that.

The Lan Clan master might be dying but it's concert time. Gawd, that flute really does sound awful. Even I can hear it this time. Clan Master Lan begs for it to stop.

They subdue the sword.

Babyface has figured out that the sword ghost is coming after the Lan clan.

And Lan Zhan and Wei Wuxian figure it out in the same moment: Xue Yang.

In the Underworld chamber - it's a light saber? No, it's the sword ghost pointing to where it came from.

So they go to Qinghe. And encounter a huckster selling unconvincing portraits of the Yiling patriarch. And Legolas shows up. And announces that he will wallop anyone who says the words "Wei Wuxian" in front of him. I can tell that this is the start of a beautiful relationship.

And he has a puppy! Oh, I guess Wei Wuxian is still afraid of dogs. Off he goes...

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Episode 32: Nope Nope Nope

Sun, 08 Aug 2021 03:55:59 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 11

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch: 0

Fist Clench: 0

Wei Wuxian sneaks into Carp Tower while Jin Zixuan's funeral is still going on. Apparently, the rest of the Wen Clan were killed. All of them? Even Sir who brews the terrible fruit wine? Nooooooooo. I don't see little Yuan. Intellectually, I know that he's still alive, but emotionally I assume he's dead and they just thought displaying the corpse of a toddler would be a bit much. (See, this is why I'm normally a bit lackadaisical about avoiding spoilers. My emotions don't care what my brain knows.)

Don't let Lady Jin see you, Wei Ying. Oh, shit, she saw him. I wasn't actually expecting that. Aaaagh, awkward encounter with Yanli. Like, you'd need to be a way better communicator than Wei Wuxian to come up with an adequate, "I'm sorry my undead puppet accidentally ripped your husband's heart out" apology.

Okay, who's doing weird magic? Wei Wuxian isn't doing that. Oh, no, that's some weird resentful energy.

This whole trope of people gossiping about Wei Wuxian while he walks up on them all unknowing never gets old to me. These poor saps who have been set to guard the gates of the Nightless City are all going to end up flat on their asses. They do.

And now, the heads of the major clans are going to...have a nice cup of tea. Or liquor. Well, they're pouring it out on the ground - that saves Lan Xichen the trouble of spiritually metabolizing it.

Lan Zhan arrives just as the poor saps who were set to guard the gates to the Nightless City are recovering.

Wei Ying, this is not really funny. Okay, you can laugh at the Yao clan leader. He is actually funny. Stupid muffin.

Wait, how many people died in Quonqi Way? First it was 1000, not it's over 30. I mean, 1000 is greater than 30, but it somehow doesn't have the same impact. Stupid muffin.

How can you prove you didn't cast the spell on Zixun? Sadly, no mass striptease is proposed.

Okay, who is this guy who is all, "I used to admire you, Wei Ying"? That's what Wei Ying wants to know.

Okay, who shot that arrow?

Clan Leader Jin orders an attack. Guangyao looks pleased. Zewu Jun looks despairing. Jiang Cheng looks like Jiang Cheng always does.

The attack is not a success.

Wei Wuxian is not attacking the Jiang clan. Aw. See, there's still some brotherly love there!

Okay, there is an extra in the background who is lying on their back just waving their legs and their sword at nothing in particular. With great conviction.

Lan Zhan incoming!

"I'm immune to the Song of Clarity." You just called out your lead guitarist, Wei Wuxian. Are they gonna fight?

Lan Zhan is going to pierce the black smoke with the power of his brooding stare.

Yanli is here! Oh, shit, if they kill Yanli right now, I'm gonna cry. Go home, Yanli. If you want to send a message, use Western Union. This is not place for soup.

And Lan Zhan defends Wei Wuxian. Oh yay! Oh no! There is no stopping the mayhem now.

That extra is still lying on the ground waving their sword. I love them so much. They are a tiny spark of joy in this...mess.

Wait, there's another flute player. Who the heck is that? They're making puppets. This is not cool.

Nope. Nope. Nope. There's a puppet coming after Yanli. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Noooooo! Not Yanli!

Seriously? Seriously? Yanli gets stabbed by someone going for Wei Wuxian? OMG, I almost feel sorry for that asshole. Not very much.

And she doesn't even get to say whatever it is she wanted to say. Aaaagh.

Also, what did I say about there still being some brotherly love there? I think that might be gone now.

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Episode 31: A Really Really Unfunny Thing Happened on the Way to Lanling

Fri, 06 Aug 2021 03:09:48 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 0?

Intense Eye Contact: 0?

Facial Twitch: 0?

Fist Clench: 0?

I'm pretty sure I blew the Zhanalytics on this one, because Lan Zhan's only appearance in this episode is right after the biggest "OH SHIT" moment to happen in several episodes and honestly, I was too shook to pay much attention to Lan Zhan's face. Which seriously tells you something about the magnitude of my shookedness, because normally at least once an episode I have to rewind a scene with Lan Zhan in it because I'm so busy watching his face I forgot to read the subtitles.

Meanwhile in the burial mounds, there's a bumper crop of lotus. Yuan tries to eat one of the seeds (because Yuan relates to everything by either trying to eat it or hug it). Wei Wuxian tells him not to eat the seeds, but carry them for protection.

Wen Ning shows up with a letter inviting Wei Wuxian to meet his nephew.

There's a controversial idea involving the Jin clan building lookouts. Why is this controversial? It was Jin Guangyao's idea. It must be terrible.

Wei Wuxian buys a tassel. But his real gift is a demon-protection bracelet. Which Wen Ning can't touch.

So they're off to Jin Rulan's one-month party, where absolutely nothing is going to go wrong. Until an arrow flies at Wei Wuxian. Oh, good catch, Ghost General. Oh look, it's a whole bunch of Jin clan folks on their way to murder Wei Wuxian.

Yikes. What happened to Zixun? The Hundred Holes Curse, apparently. Wei Wuxian is all, "Who the hell did that? It wasn't me!" Zixun is unconvinced. Somebody is messing around, though.

Uh, oh. Ghost General unleashed.

In the middle of the fight, Jin Zixun gets hold of Jin Ling's baby present. Give it back, you brat!

Zixuan arrives to save the day. Standoff. Meanwhile, Wen Ning is walloping a score or so of miscellaneous retainers. Wait, is that someone in Lan Clan dress in the back there?

Zixun destroys the bracelet. You brat!

Wen Ning! What the fuck did you just do? You killed the wrong Jin! Actually, no, I don't think killing the other one now makes matters better.

Back at Carp tower, Lan Zhan is looking for Jin Guangyao, wanting to know where the other Lan Clan folks went with Zixun. Oh, that was someone in Lan Clan dress with Zixun. I guess Brattiest Jin rounded up a cross-clan posse for his Wei Wuxian hunting.

Back in Burial Mounds, Wei Wuxian is questioning his life choices. And then Wen Qing stabs him with a needle. Because decisions need to be made, and Wei Wuxian isn't being consulted. Wen Ning and Wen Qing are going to give themselves up to the Jin Clan for him. Aaaagh.

Wei Wuxian wants to find the person who cast the spell. Which would involve getting everyone to strip naked for inspection. I think that this is a BRILLIANT idea, but Wen Qing is less convinced. I mean, she has a point about logistics and practicalities and blah blah blah, but it's a hell of a missed bet not to at least try to get everyone to take their clothes off.

Wait, is the whole Wen Clan going to Carp Tower? Even little Yuan? Noooo. Not Yuan!!!

Wie Wuxian wakes up and finds everyone gone, and heads off to Carp Tower. Will he arrive too late?

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Episode 30: Soup Will Bring Us Together, Love Will Tear Us Apart

Fri, 06 Aug 2021 02:48:29 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 10

Intense Eye Contact: 0

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench: 0

Surely those are daikon and not turnips? I mean, I guess translating it as "daikon" would be weird and "radish" means something entirely different to the typical American, but I'm pretty sure that's not a turnip.

Hah, and then the fake Yiling disciple shows up.

Oh it's the old swap the turnips for a compass trick.

Well, I guess the compass works, sort of. it leads us to an unexpected Jiang Cheng. Eeee! It's Yanli!!!! Dang girl, your lipstick is fierce!

"You can't see the groom today." Girl, he is okay with that. I personally am intensely curious to know how Jin Zixuan looks all dolled up for his wedding, but I guess I'm going to have to wonder longer.

Did Yanlli bring soup? You know she brought soup.

Wei Wuxian gets to pick Legolas's courtesy name.

Yes, she brought soup! And she even gives a bowl to Wen Ning. (I'm annoyed that there are two bigger bowls and one smaller bowl in the set, and Yanli has to apologize to Wen Ning for giving him the girl bowl. Yanli barely gets to eat in this damned show. It's fucked up.) Yanli is too sweet. I have been googling recipes for lotus root and rib soup, and it looks delicious. I want to make some.

"How could I make it convincing if I didn't break your arm?" Wait, was that whole fight an act?

Look at Wen Ning carrying that little bowl of soup up the mountain for Yuan! Can Wen Ning even really eat? Does he need to eat? There would be something adorkably cinnamon-roll about his being the best cook in the Burial Grounds and not even getting to eat anything.

"Grow some lotus!" Okay, now we're getting into the real Demonic Cultivation. Wei Wuxian will have lotus root if it requires all the powers of hell.

Note for future reference: Wen Ning can keep a secret for approximately 30 seconds. Or at least he can keep a secret from Wen Qing for approximately 30 seconds.

"Fragrance Hall" i.e. The Jin clan stinks.

Yuan interrupts the cultivation of lotus root, but provides good advice to Wei Wuxian.

Hmmm. Clean Leader Jin doens't entirely trust StupidHat either.

The moment that Clean Leader Jin explains that Guangyao can't ever possibly become clan leader is the moment you realize that Jin Guangyao is absolutely going to be clan leader. Shit. The only upside is that that means that Brattiest Jin is going to die. On the other hand, it also means Jin Zixuan is going to die. I mean I knew that, but that was before I liked him.

Back in the Burial Grounds, lotus root is growing after all!

ONE YEAR LATER. What, we don't get to see the wedding? I wanted to see the wedding. My curiosity about what Jin Fancypants looks like in his wedding garb will go forever unfulfilled. We just get to hear the gossip about Jin Ling Rulan being born!

We see little Legolas, and get the announcement that the fairy godmothers, I mean Zewu Jun and Huanguang Jun, have arrived. Guangyao looks really upset at not getting to hold the baby. Does he secretly eat babies or something?

Jin Brat gonna brat.

"The Ghost General Wen Ning is also troublesome." The Ghost General Wen Ning has been selling radishes and feeding soup to toddlers.

Guangyao is clearly setting up the next stage of his narrative where the four clans are going to extend an oh-so-reasonable-seeming olive branch to Wei Wuxian only to jerk it away at the last minute like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. Zewu Jun is totally taken in. You can tell that Zewu Jun was always the peacemaker in the family as a child. He ought to be working on this in therapy, but instead he's been taken in by a pair of dimples in a stupid hat. Lan Zhan looks suspicious. Brat looks extremely uncomfortable.

Clearly something is up with Zixun.

Jin Guangyao: "Do you have any personal grudges against Young Master Wei?" Dude, you were there when they last met. Were you paying any attention?

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Episode 29: Return of the Cinnamon Roll

Wed, 04 Aug 2021 02:39:10 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 11

Intense Eye Contact: 4

Facial Twitch: 3

Fist Clench: 0

Wei Wuxian totally cons Lan Zhan into buying Yuan a bunch of toys.

"Yuan, you are bothering him." Aw, how could Yuan be bothering anyone?

"Silence during meals. You too." Zing! Lan Zhan is in fine form today.

"Did you come to Yiling for me?" Dude, why else would he come to Yiling? He's never ever ever going to admit it, though.

Oh no, Wei Wuxian missed Yanli's wedding? Oh, no, he didn't miss it yet. But he can't go.

I like that Wei Wuxian has set himself up a magical pager system in case something goes wrong back at the Burial Grounds. He's a responsible Demonic Cultivator. Lan Zhan remembers to take Yuan's toys before running out of the restaurant.

Back at the Burial Grounds, Wen Ning is awake. And losing his shit.

"Blood Pool Cave." Maybe keeping the puppet in a place called Blood Pool Cave was a mistake?

Daniel thinks that Wei Wuxian is sandbagging this fight just to get Lan Zhan to help out. I think he underestimates how badass Wen Ning is.

And here is the guqin. Maybe Wei Wuxian will stop complaining about all those mind-calming musical scores now. Wait, where does Lan Zhan keep that guqin when it's not in use? I guess he must have one of those weird bag of holding things. But where does he keep that? I know, it's magic.

And Wen Ning has calmed down. The cinnamon roll is back. Yay!

"Hey, sweetie. Let me give you the tour. This is my Blood Pool Cave."

Wei Wuxian is so sure that nothing can possibly go wrong with Wen Ning. So, we're probably mere minutes from Wen Ning going bonkers and killing someone.

Yuan is the best wingman. But even he can't persuade Lan Zhan to stay for dinner.

"You're suddenly talking so nicely to me. I'm scared." Heh.

Of course, Wen Ning is the best cook.

Lan Zhan's punishment for going to Yiling without permission is to meditate in the snow while holding some bamboo sticks.

Okay, who is this guy pretending to be a disciple of Wei Wuxian? I think both of these guys are fakers. Yes, okay, both fakers.

Has Wei Wuxian taken up painting? Boom! Ooopsie, the compass of evil exploded. Did I say he was a responsible Demonic Cultivator? Up to a point, maybe.

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Episode 28: Yuan is the Best Wingman

Sat, 31 Jul 2021 03:59:23 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 6

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench: 1

Wen Qing is all, "I told you two to be quiet!"

"In the eyes of the main clans, you're a geek." What?

These two can talk past each other forever. So, I guess they're going to pick a time to fight?

Wen Qing tries to persuade Wei Wuxian to go.

Oh, Jiang Cheng has the comb. Huh? Ah, we see a flashback where Wen Qing gives it back to him. Yeah, I mean, he did just kind of advocate for exterminating your clan. It's hard to get past that. Sigh. I don't really wish that they could be together, but I wish that Jiang Cheng were capable of being the sort of man who would make me wish they could be together. Alas, my last hope for any sort of romantic fulfillment for Wen Qing might be that she runs off with Mianmian. I wonder what Mianmian is up to, anyway.

Wen Ning starts to speak! He's not having a great time, so Wei Wuxian plays some music to calm him down. Wei Wuxian is playing the flute, but who is playing those strings?

Meanwhile, at the OK Corral, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng fight. It's rock, scissors, paper vs. Zidian. But then the flute comes out. Ouch, that sword stroke connected. Both of them leave, injured. I'm not sure what that demonstrated. Presumably there are social reasons why they had to be seen to attempt to beat the snot out of each other.

Back in Carp Tower, Yanli senses that something is wrong. She has a dream where she sees Wei Wuxian sailing by, holding Suibian, but he doesn't stop. Yes, like everyone else in this show, I am now obsessively checking to see whether Wei Wuxian is carrying his sword in every scene. I don't know why. He's not going to be carrying his sword.

"I brought some potatoes." Wen Qing is totally not fooled by Wei Wuxian's bullshit. He doesn't want her to waste spiritual energy on healing his injury or something. Whatever, dude, you let her waste spiritual energy on doing Yuan's laundry.

Lady Jin wants to see Yanli, but -- surprise -- she bumps into Jin Zixuan on her way there. What is Jin Zixuan doing in the water? He's even managed to get his clothes dirty.

"I'm willing to build another Lotus Pier for you." It's not the buildings, kiddo, but you're sweet. Clueless, but sweet.

ONE MONTH LATER, Lan Zhan gets to listen to a bunch of bullshit rumors about the Yiling Patriarch. He's not having it, and walks out.

And suddenly there is this moopling grabbing his knee. Yuan has found the prettiest man in the vicinity and is hanging onto him for dear life. This kid has a future in the Lan Clan.

Wei Wuxian is haggling over potatoes and suddenly realizes that Yuan is missing. He goes looking...and Lan Zhan has attracted a crowd who are giving him child-rearing advice. Wei Wuxian is enjoying the scene much too much to intervene at first.

"Why are you in Yiling?""Oh, you know, just passing by." Right.

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Episode 27: Babyface - The Origin Story

Wed, 28 Jul 2021 04:28:25 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 10

Intense Eye Contact: 0

Facial Twitch: 2

Fist Clench: 3

We have a symphony of Zhanalytics going on here.

Oh, that's why the umbrella - so we can see Lan Zhan cry that one tear and know that it's not the rain making his face wet. Lan Zhan even cries beautifully. It is so unfair.

Later, back at the banquet hall: Lots of tense discussion about what Wei Wuxian has done. Lan Zhan has to sit there and put up with all these assholes talking about his soulmate.

"Does he think that everyone covets his spiritual tool?" Woah.

Oh, Clan leader Jin is putting the pressure on Jiang Cheng. Don't play on Jiang Cheng's insecurities, dude. That's shooting fish in a barrel.

Shut up, Jin Zixun. You're a brat.

Mianmian speaks up! And gets shit from Clan Leader Muffin. Oh no, man, you are just a substandard baked good. You don't get to talk to Mianmian this way.

Mianmian secedes from the clan and walks out. Successfully inventing the mic drop centuries before the microphone. Go, Mianmian. I wasn't expecting her to be the first to call bullshit on Jin Guangyao's peer pressure innuendo party, but she came through. Further argument that she is, in fact, a Doctor Who companion. (Trips over and screams, but also is the show's moral center.)

Lan Zhan walks out. Clean Leader Jin gets to work on Jiang Cheng again.

Lan Qiren looks displeased. On the other hand, he always looks displeased. StupidHat looks pleased.

Yeah, Lan Qiren isn't pleased. And he's taking it out on Lan Zhan. Lan Qiren also does not seem well. I have my doubts about whether he's going to survive to the flash forward.

Oh, look, it's Jin Zixuan. Perhaps we can have some awkward flirting for comic relief. "I'm just taking a walk." Back and forth in front of your door. Repeatedly. Yes, thank you, Fancypants, I needed this brief period of levity.

Hm, he seems to do a little better with his, "I will protect you" shtick than Jiang Cheng did with Wen Qing. Oh, and Jiang Cheng is watching this whole scene. Poor guy.

Oh, look, it's a little moopling named Yuan. Wait. Yuan. Yuan like Lan Yuan. It's a baby Babyface!!!! jkfl;dak;lfda;jdskl;sdkasfjkfdsk;a! OMG, I miss the little ducklings so much. I even miss Legolas. I thought he was annoying at first, but honestly after spending twenty-odd episodes with the grownups most immediately responsible for raising him, I now regard him as a paragon of social grace and charm. Well. Okay, maybe not that. But still.

Wei Wuxian clearly learned some things from Yanli. His interactions with Yuan are perfect. Maybe I'm just saying that because I have returned more than one toddler to their parents covered in dirt and giggling.

Why is Wen Qing apparently doing everyone's goddammned laundry? Step up, Wei Wuxian. I might cover toddlers in dirt but I also cook dinner and change diapers.

Jiang Cheng breaks the barrier surrounding this terrible place where people are peacefully farming and planting turnips.

So, bro, nice cave you have here.

Wei Wuxian seems so exasperated that everyone thinks he has the missing shard of Yin Iron. You kinda need a better PR department, buddy?

Will the two brothers sort out their differences? Almost certainly not! But tune in next time...

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Episode 26: I'll Take Necromancy over Insincerity Any Day

Wed, 28 Jul 2021 02:26:06 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares:10

Intense Eye Contact: 0

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench: 0

We don't get to find out what happened with Wen Qing yet.

The Brattiest Jin (Zixun) is giving Su She shit for taking the wrong road, but Jin Guangyao comes to his rescue. And flatters him about his swordsmanship. This guy. I could possibly forgive the stupid hat, but flattering Su She is a bridge too far.

Did Jin Guangyao really not know that Su She was a former Lan disciple? I disbelieve.

Brattiest Jin wants to start a drinking contest with the Lan clan. Guangyao tries to make excuses that they are driving (well, flying on swords), but Brat is not having it. Clan leader Jin looks amused. Jerk. I guess Lan Xichen does his golden core trick. Wei Wuxian shows up just in time to drink Lan Zhan's shot.

And ask if Zixun knows a person named Wen Ning. Oh, it's going down.

Wei Wuxian asks if the Jin clan is intending to be the new Wen clan. C'mon, you know you were all thinking it.

What did we say about that anger management problem?

"If I want to kill someone, who dares to stop me?" Lan Zhan, that's who.

Just as Wei Wuxian and Wen Qing are going to come to his rescue, we see very unpleasant and probably fatal things happening to Wen Ning. Noooo! Not the cinnamon roll! How dare you!!!

"Just because it's right, doesn't mean he can say it to everyone's face." And that's why I dislike you and your stupid hat, Jin Guangyao.

I think we're in for ugly crying time again. Yep. Here we are. Searching an endless field of bodies in the pouring rain.

Now I think Wei Wuxian is going to do something arguably unwise.

Oh, shit, no first we get to see the Jin clan absolutely double down on the pointless slaughter. These guys aren't even convincing liars. They rolled down the hill?

Ooops. Wei Wuxian loses control of his undead puppet cinnamon roll. Ah, but the murderous rampage is interrupted when Wei Wuxian uses his courtesy name. I didn't even know he had a courtesy name. I mean I guess everybody has a courtesy name, but I don't think I've ever heard anyone use it.

Lan Zhan thought to bring an umbrella, at least.

"Yeah, uh, so, sweetie, I accidentally raised the dead."

Lan Zhan's gonna struggle with this for sure. I wonder how long it will take him to join Wei Wuxian in open rebellion?

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Episode 25: Teetering Dangerously On the Precipice of Actual Feelings Being Spoken

Thu, 22 Jul 2021 03:29:08 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 11

Intense Eye Contact: 5

Facial Twitch: 0

Fist Clench: 0

In Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian is dispensing workout advice when Jin Fancypants shows up. Awkwardness ensues.

"Young Master Jin came in person to deliver something as little as an invitation." Wei Wuxian, don't fuck this up for Yanli.

Eeee! Jin Zixuan is so happy when Yanli agrees to come along on the hunt. I might be prepared to forgive him. Wei Wuxian is not prepared.

And now we will have an archery contest.

I cannot explain why I am so incredibly irritated by Jin Guangyao's stupid hat. I mean, stupid hats are practically de rigeur in Chinese historical drama, but no one else here is sporting them.

Oh, but Jin Guangyao wants to make the archery contest extra spicy by putting a bunch of Wen captives in front of the targets. Is there some kind of conservation of assholery at work in the cultivation world that demands that, having ousted the Wen Clan from Nightless City, the Jin Clan must now take over as the worlds biggest bullies? At what point does someone stand up and say "WTF, dudes?"

Jin Fancypants, is, of course, a superb archer.

"Lan Zhan, can I borrow your headband?" Bro, not in public!

So, Wei Wuxian is going to do it blindfolded, with a fistfull of arrows and hit all the targets on the bullseye. Jin Gaungyao looks displeased that his carefully arranged set piece to show the superiority of the Jin clan has been disrupted. Wear stupid hats, win stupid prizes, bro.

Lan Zhan's all "So, hey, I wanted to play you my new music score." Oh, I remember what Lan Zhan reminds me of. When I was in my last year of middle school, it was the thing for a while for folks to throw huge birthday parties where they invited the entire class. At one of these parties, I picked up an acoustic guitar that someone had lying around and began playing the opening chords of "Under the Milky Way" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWxJEIz7sSA), which was a big hit at the time. Suddenly, I had a little gaggle of people surrounding me, listening to me play. I suddenly had this weird super power where I could command attention as long as I was holding a guitar. So, you know, I did what any shy, introverted, slightly insecure teenager would do in that situation: I learned to play every song on that album. Anyhow, to make a long story short, it turns out that you can't actually seduce people merely by application of the borrowed sexiness of Australian Dreampop, but no one will ever blame you for trying.

"I once took you as my life confidant."

"I still am."

We teeter dangerously on the precipice of actual feelings being spoken. So of course, Jin Zixuan and Yanli come along.

The Stature Measuring Snake. I feel like that was more impressive in the original Mandarin. Also, totally conquerable by the application of platform heels. I am really enjoying Jin Zixuan clearly trying to impress Yanli with his mighty hunter-ness.

"What's the fun in hunting if no one gets hurt?" Oh, Jin Zixuan, every time I start to think that I like you, you demonstrate that you are, in fact, a Jin.

Lady Jin is here to sort everyone out.

I have not heard this much carping about unjustified rewards for flute playing since Jethro Tull beat out Metallica for the Grammy for Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance.

Oh, Yanli is laying the smackdown on Zixun! (I'll admit, I laughed when Wei Wuxian asked him, "Who are you?" because I had forgotten his name as well. I just think of him as The Brattiest Jin.)

Lady Jin clearly doesn't like Jin Guangyao's stupid hat either. I like Lady Jin.

Jin Zixuan looks so sulky. This episode is really reminding me that these guys are teenagers.

Oh, everyone shows up just in time to hear Zixuan confess that he likes Yanli. So he runs off.

Jiang Cheng arrives late and misses out on the satisfaction of seeing someone flirt more awkwardly than he does.

Muffin Clan are gossiping about Wei Wuxian. Jin Guangyao has been talking, I see.

Meanwhile, in Lanling city: It's Wen Qing!!! Wei Wuxian doesn't notice, though. Until one of the Jin Clan shoves her over.

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Episode 24: I Feel Uneasy Every Time Jin Guangyao Smiles

Mon, 19 Jul 2021 01:39:19 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 4

Intense Eye Contact: 0

Facial Twitch: 2

Fist Clench: 0

And it's Wei Wuxian to the rescue, with the radical idea that maybe Yanli should have a say in whether she wants to get married.

Oh, very tactful, Yanli. "Now is not the right time for me to get married." Zixuan looks a bit disappointed. Is this what turns him around? Being rejected by Yanli? This boy, I swear.

Muffin Clan Leader seems disgusted by kids these days, with their radical ideas about women having opinions and all. (To be fair, as far as I can tell, there are no women in the Muffin Clan and they probably reproduce by parthenogenesis.)

Jin Guangyao seems...pleased. And he has a little speech inviting everyone to Carp Tower for a hunt.

Clean Leader Jin, you really shouldn't fall asleep on the Evil Throne of Evil. It's bad for your back.

"Oh, someone must have taken the Yin Iron from Xue Yang, and the only people who had the opportunity were me and Wei Wuxian. And the Stygian Tiger Amulet isn't necessarily Yin Iron, it just resembles it." Yeah, you crafty bastard.

I'm placing a strong bet on Daddy Jin's tea being poisoned one of these mornings.

Back at Lotus Pier - the camera flips upside down. That was a very cool shot. Thank you for that completely random cinematographer flex.

Oh, moopling flashbacks. Waaaah.

In the Silence Room...Lan Zhan is playing the guqin. Rulebreaker!

Zewu Jun has heard that Lan Zhan has been practicing music night and day. Zewu Jun also knows that sublimating your unfulfilled romantic and sexual desires into music is how adolescent lead guitarists are made.

"I want to enter the forbidden chamber." "Why?" "To study music scores." Are those the ones with "Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics" on the front cover?

Master Lan summons them and says he's sending Zewu Jun out to deal with resentful energy, but Lan Zhan is grounded and has to stay home and repair books. I'm not sure this is going to result in a net decrease of resentful energy in the world.

Master Lan: "There is no order without rules."

Lan Zhan: "Master, I want to enter the forbidden chamber."

That was not the best timed request. Read the room, Wangji.

"Do you know why I won't let you leave with Xichen?" Because you're a meanie?

Meanwhile back in Lotus Pier, Jiang Cheng is saying that the core value of the Jiang clan is to do the impossible. Fortunately, he's been putting up with Wei Wuxian every day for years, so this should be no problem.

In town, Wei Wuxian and Zewu Jun have a drink. Zewu Jun explains that he gets rid of the alcohol with his golden core. That is the most Lan thing ever.

"Wangji is learning 'Absterge'. I wonder if you know his intention." Yeah, we know his intention.

Okay, so I finally went and looked up 'Absterge' and apparently it's an archaic term meaning, "to cleanse, especially by wiping; purge". I can understand why Wei Wuxian is less than thrilled.

You know, Wei Wuxian, if I were determined to master the power of the Stygian Tiger Amulet without succumbing to the power of the dark side (so to speak), the first thing I would do would be to get a handle on my anger management problem. Because if you unleash the power of hell on your brother and clan leader, I don't think even Yanli is going to forgive you.

Speaking of Yanli, we have some sweet brother-sister talk. "Why would a person like another person?"

Yanli definitely believes that all problems can be fixed with soup. Also, does she have an Instant Pot? Because I can't think of any other way of making lotus root and rib soup that wouldn't require a fair amount of slow simmering, but Yanli seems to be able to whip the stuff up on the spot. Maybe that's what she uses her golden core for.

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian debate this show's most profound unanswered question: What does Yanli see in Jin Zuxian?

Uh, oh. Lan Zhan has broken into the library. See the depths of his moral corruption!

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Episode 23: My Yin Iron is Better Than Your Yin Iron

Sun, 18 Jul 2021 02:17:22 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 15

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch: 2

Fist Clench: 0

Okay, let's pause for a moment here and talk about butts.

Why? Do we need a reason? Well, let's just say that as someone occupying the relatively small slice of the Venn diagram that is the Untamed Fandom and powerlifting, I have opinions on the gluteus maximus.

Unfortunately, the costumes in this show, gorgeous as they are, do not really showcase who is packing junk in the trunk. They give absolutely everyone delightfully broad shoulders nad a tapered torso; Wei Wuxian's tight sleeves would totally show off arm gainz for days if he had any; and all of those swishy skirts are like a visual essay on where Western men's fashion has gone sadly, sadly, wrong. But we are left with questions about the posterior chain.

But never fear, I'm here with the booty report on the bois of the Untamed, as filtered through common gym stereotypes about what kinds of fitness they likely practice.

Wei Wuxian does Crossfit. He's annoyingly good at everything, and everyone is always going, "Bro, you're gonna injure yourself doing that!" but he gets bored doing anything else. He has a pretty nice butt.

Jiang Cheng was a track star in high school and he's afraid to lift heavy because they told him it would make him "bulky" and slow. He's fit, but his butt is nothing to write hom about.

The Wen clan boys are always strutting around in little stringer tank tops that say "Yin Iron Barbell Club" and flexing their biceps and curling in the squat rack, and they have no butts to speak of. Wen Ning does yoga instead because his sister told him it's good for his joints, and he's super flexible but he still in his adolescent growth spurt so he has no butt either.

Jin clan boys have the kind of butt that you can only get with expensive personal training and a chef who prepares precisely macro-calibrated meals. It's a sculpted butt, but not a voluptuous butt, because that would be vulgar. It's a butt without soul. Yanli can bounce a quarter off Jin Zixuan's butt, and I hope she does, because that's the most fun she's ever gonna have with that butt.

Nie Mingjue doesn't squat or deadlift heavy anymore because he injured his knee playing football. He still benches what he did when he was captain of the football team, though. Mediocre butt.

Meng Yao posts Instagram booty workouts and aspires to break the internet like Kim Kardashian some day.

Nie Huaisang secretly follows Meng Yao's Instagram booty workouts and is going to break the internet like Kim Kardashian some day.

Most of the Lan Clan boys are those teenage boys who go to the gym and train with all the weights, but they just don't eat enough calories and complain all the time about being 'hardgainers'. They all have abs, but uninspired butts. Except Zewu Jun. Zewu Jun does the Squatz AND eats all his chicken and rice. You wanna know what the real Twin Jades of Gusu are? They're what you see when Zewu Jun walks out of a room.

Oh, and Lan Sizhui has the cutest little bubble butt. He doesn't train any smarter or eat any better than the other Lan boys, it's just genetics. Don't hate him because he's beautiful.

And before you present me with photographic evidence of Wang Yibo in street clothes having a banging backside, please remember that this is totally based on fitness stereotypes and character personalities, and I in no way intend to disparage anyone's actual ass.

Okay, now that that 600 word digression is over, let's hit play.

"My spiritual tool is not yet refined. No one has seen it yet." Not that Lan Zhan doesn't want to.

Intense standoff between Wen Ruohan and Wei Wuxian. And Wen Ruohan is stabbed in the back by Meng Yao. Nie Mingjue's gonna be pissed at that.

And indeed, he is.

Fortunately, Zewu Jun is there to explain the concept of a "double agent".

Come on Yanli, if we can't be spiteful about the Jin clan, who can we be spiteful about?

Lan Zhan arrives, with an expression that says, "I'm so glad to see you awake, but honestly this was easier when you unconscious."

Intense not making eye contact going on here.

Wei Wuxian wants to talk, and Lan Zhan is just like, "Shut up, I'm playing." Lead guitarists. All their emotions go into their solos and if you aren't paying rapt attention, they have a hissy fit.

"Do you also think the Stygian Tiger Amulet is evil?" It's not called the "Fluffy Kitten Amulet".

Meng Yao now has a new name and a stupid hat. What's he up to? There's something going on in that crafty little head of his besides "143 Inappropriate Things I Could Do With Lan Xichen's Headband" and I don't know what it is.

"Would you like to learn the musical notation of 'Absterge'?" Shoot, I really thought that meant "Wanna come back to my room and make some sheet music?" but Wei Wuxian's reaction suggests otherwise.

Their heart-to-heart conversation is interrupted by the sounds of innocents being slaughtered.

Aw, they're gonna play a duet! Yes!!!

Nie Mingjue, Zewu Jun, and Jin Guangyao swear an oath of loyalty. That's not gonna backfire at all.

And Clan Leader Jin is throwing a big party, and everyone is invited. The Muffin Clan leader is here. He survived after all!

Oh, Jin Guangyao has "accidentally" offended Nie Mingjue, by offering him the wrong seat. So Clan Leader Jin takes the offensive seat? Eh?

I see that "where's your sword?" is basically code for "practicing black magic, now, eh?"

Wei Wuxian has never sat through an entire banquet in his life, has he? Lan Zhan seems to feel that this strategy of filtering all his emotions through music is working for him.

Clan leader Jin wants the betrothal of Yanli and Zixuan back on again. Everybody looks around like, "Oh shit."

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Episode 22: The Cyrano de Bergerac of Soup

Sun, 18 Jul 2021 00:25:15 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 11

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch:

Fist Clench:

Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan, sittin' on a roof, inexplicably not K-I-S-S-I-N-G. They're re-enacting their first date. How sweet.

Wei Wuxian isn't doing wicked tricks, but crafty tricks. Okay...I think I sort of get the distinction here.

"Let me help you." That was unexpected.

"Okay." That is the greatest amount of emotional weight an "okay" has ever carried.

Nie Huaisang is apparently not going on the slaughter party.

Jin Fancypants is apparently pretty good with a sword. Actually, I think we knew that already, I'm just surprised every time he doesn't suck.

Oh shit, Wen Ruohan has unleashed the Uruk Hai!

This battle is not going well for our heroes.

Nie Mingjue, "I will sneak into Nightless City and assassinate Wen Ruohan." Do you want Huaisang to be clan leader? Cause this is how you get Huaisang as clan leader!

Who made Yanli cry? Oh, Jin Fancypants, of course.

Yanli's terrible secret is that she has been...making soup for Jin Zixuan and having someone else bring it to him? I love you, Yanli! You Cyrano de Bergerac'ed your man with soup. Stand down, Angry Grape Mr. Darcy; Mr. Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation with the Emotional Intelligence of a Small Eggplant; and Mr. All My Feelings are Boring. You cannot match Yanli.

"How dare you tell Yanli to be self-dignified?" I wanna know the same thing. What is your problem, Mr. Fancypants? Yeah, smack him one! Fortunately, Lan Zhan is there to calm things down. No wonder Legolas/Jin Ling is so full of himself - it is truly a miracle he was ever conceived.

Right, Jin Zixuan. Go eat inferior soup and think about what you have done. Yanli, you can do so much better. Actually, considering the available candidates who are plausibly interested in teh ladiez...um. No, wait, I've got it - Yanli and Mianmian should run off together. Problem solved!

There's a map painter with a secret identity. Could it be...Meng Yao?

Lol. Nie Mingjue actually said, "That asshole Wen!"

Everyone wants to know who drew the map. I think last episode I said that no one gives Zewu Jun shit for anything. Actually, everybody gets shit when their secret boyfriend is involved.

Nie Mingjue's plan is not going well. And yup, Meng Yao is there in Nightless City. That little smile of his looks so smug now.

Mingjue attempts to use the "Sword Assassination Technique." It is not super effective.

All right everyone, don't get hit by the fire balls.

Puppets? I thought you said puppies! This invasion sucks!

Oh, that Uruk Hai just bent that sword like it was some flimsy practice blade. Which it is, but you know. (I deeply appreciate the general lack of floppy swords in this show. Although I wanna know what their scabbards are made of, because they do a lot of parrying with those things, which I don't think is standard practice.)

Wei Wuxian: Now that I have your attention, it's time for a flute solo.

The Uruk Hai turn on the ordinary puppets. Our heroes do not die horrible deaths. For now.

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Episode 21: Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation, Emotional Intelligence of a Small Eggplant

Fri, 16 Jul 2021 04:18:53 GMT

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 11

Intense Eye Contact: 1

Facial Twitch: 0

Fist Clench: 1

"Where have you been?" Oh, you know, hell or its moral equivalent.

If I were Yanli, I would punch him at least once for the tranquilizing powder trick. She's too nice, though.

It's Nie Huaisang!!! Ah, he almost touches Wei Wuxian, but Wuxian pulls back.

Lan Zhan! A brooding stare and a fist clench.

Wen Ruohan seems genuinely upset that Wen Chao is dead. Thunder!!!!

Somebody didn't show up at the banquet in honor of Wei Wuxian. And Wuxian's new habit of not carrying a sword is causing gossip. And then he walks out.

Jiang Cheng: Bro, what u doin?

Wei Wuxian: Sulking about my boyfriend.

Jiang Cheng: Bro, just carry your f'in sword, okay?

Wei Wuxian: You can't make me!

"Maybe I'm just bored." Bored!

"I can't be childish all my life." News to me, bro!

"It's your first class spiritual tool, then." Sorry, I will never not find "first-class spiritual tool" hilarious.

The flute is named Chenqing. What does that mean? Probably not "Fuck you, I do what I want." But maybe something close.

Hey wait, I thought Wen Ruohan's right hand was messed up, but in that shot he has weird black lines all over his left hand.

Wei Wuxian seems to be having some difficulties with all that negative energy. It figured that all of that "I'm totally in control and this isn't bad for me" that he was spouting to Lan Zhan was kinda bullshit.

Zewu Jun is here! Surely everyone's best big bro will set things right!

Wei Wuxian has apparently gone for a walk. And runs in to some Wen Clan survivors being given a tough time.

Oh no - you do not fuck with Granny Wen.

"What just happened?"

"It was the wind"

Even Yanli got a brief, "Bro, you are full of shit" look on her face at that.

Wei Wuxian strolls in to the big war conference all, "'sup guys?" And then says some cryptic stuff about countermeasures to Yin Iron. And walks out.

"I'm afraid young Master Wei is overconfident." Yeah, I'm afraid he's not.

Zewu Jun: There are no set rules. There wasn't a clear line between right and wrong.

Lan Zhan's head explodes. He probably sleeps with a copy of the Lan Principles under his pillow at night, and now older bro is all, "There are no set rules!"

Now I'm wondering where Zewu Jun's flute is. 'Cause nobody ever gave Zewu Jun shit for carrying a flute. Of course, nobody ever gives Zewu Jun shit for anything.

Zewu Jun: "If you're worried about Master Wei."

Lan Zhan: "Not a bit."

Oh that response was much too fast.

Lan Zhan, outside Wei Wuxian's door: I'm just going to knock...no, I'm not...oh, shit Lady Jiang saw me.

And of course, Wei Wuxian walks in at just the wrong moment and asks Yanli, "Did he tell you about the Yiling Supervisory Office?" Yanli says no. Wei Wuxian maybe realizes that Lan Zhan isn't just running around talking shit about him to everyone.

Lan Zhan finally gets to express his feelings in the only way he knows how. With a sword.

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