Episode 22: The Cyrano de Bergerac of Soup

Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 11

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch:

Fist Clench:

 

Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan, sittin' on a roof, inexplicably not K-I-S-S-I-N-G. They're re-enacting their first date. How sweet. 

 

Wei Wuxian isn't doing wicked tricks, but crafty tricks. Okay...I think I sort of get the distinction here. 

 

"Let me help you." That was unexpected. 

"Okay." That is the greatest amount of emotional weight an "okay" has ever carried. 

 

Nie Huaisang is apparently not going on the slaughter party. 

 

Jin Fancypants is apparently pretty good with a sword. Actually, I think we knew that already, I'm just surprised every time he doesn't suck. 

 

Oh shit, Wen Ruohan has unleashed the Uruk Hai!

 

This battle is not going well for our heroes. 

 

Nie Mingjue,  "I will sneak into Nightless City and assassinate Wen Ruohan." Do you want Huaisang to be clan leader? Cause this is how you get Huaisang as clan leader!

 

Who made Yanli cry? Oh, Jin Fancypants, of course. 

 

Yanli's terrible secret is that she has been...making soup for Jin Zixuan and having someone else bring it to him? I love you, Yanli! You Cyrano de Bergerac'ed your man with soup. Stand down, Angry Grape Mr. Darcy; Mr. Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation with the Emotional Intelligence of a Small Eggplant; and Mr. All My Feelings are Boring. You cannot match Yanli. 

 

"How dare you tell Yanli to be self-dignified?" I wanna know the same thing. What is your problem, Mr. Fancypants? Yeah, smack him one! Fortunately, Lan Zhan is there to calm things down. No wonder Legolas/Jin Ling is so full of himself - it is truly a miracle he was ever conceived. 

 

Right, Jin Zixuan. Go eat inferior soup and think about what you have done.  Yanli, you can do so much better. Actually, considering the available candidates who are plausibly interested in teh ladiez...um. No, wait, I've got it - Yanli and Mianmian should run off together. Problem solved! 

 

There's a map painter with a secret identity. Could it be...Meng Yao?

 

Lol. Nie Mingjue actually said, "That asshole Wen!"

 

Everyone wants to know who drew the map. I think last episode I said that no one gives Zewu Jun shit for anything. Actually, everybody gets shit when their secret boyfriend is involved. 

 

Nie Mingjue's plan is not going well. And yup, Meng Yao is there in Nightless City. That little smile of his looks so smug now. 

 

Mingjue attempts to use the "Sword Assassination Technique." It is not super effective. 

 

All right everyone, don't get hit by the fire balls. 

 

Puppets? I thought you said puppies! This invasion sucks!

 

Oh, that Uruk Hai just bent that sword like it was some flimsy practice blade. Which it is, but you know. (I deeply appreciate the general lack of floppy swords in this show. Although I wanna know what their scabbards are made of, because they do a lot of parrying with those things, which I don't think is standard practice.) 

 

Wei Wuxian: Now that I have your attention, it's time for a flute solo. 

 

The Uruk Hai turn on the ordinary puppets. Our heroes do not die horrible deaths. For now. 

Episode 23: My Yin Iron is Better Than Your Yin Iron

 Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 15

Intense Eye Contact: 2

Facial Twitch: 2

Fist Clench: 0

 

Okay, let's pause for a moment here and talk about butts. 

 

Why? Do we need a reason? Well, let's just say that as someone occupying the relatively small slice of the Venn diagram that is the Untamed Fandom and powerlifting, I have opinions on the gluteus maximus. 

 

Unfortunately, the costumes in this show, gorgeous as they are, do not really showcase who is packing junk in the trunk. They give absolutely everyone delightfully broad shoulders nad a tapered torso; Wei Wuxian's tight sleeves would totally show off arm gainz for days if he had any; and all of those swishy skirts are like a visual essay on where Western men's fashion has gone sadly, sadly, wrong. But we are left with questions about the posterior chain. 

 

But never fear, I'm here with the booty report on the bois of the Untamed, as filtered through common gym stereotypes about what kinds of fitness they likely practice. 

 

Wei Wuxian does Crossfit. He's annoyingly good at everything, and everyone is always going, "Bro, you're gonna injure yourself doing that!" but he gets bored doing anything else. He has a pretty nice butt. 

 

Jiang Cheng was a track star in high school and he's afraid to lift heavy because they told him it would make him "bulky" and slow. He's fit, but his butt is nothing to write hom about. 

 

The Wen clan boys are always strutting around in little stringer tank tops that say "Yin Iron Barbell Club" and flexing their biceps and curling in the squat rack, and they have no butts to speak of. Wen Ning does yoga instead because his sister told him it's good for his joints, and he's super flexible but he still in his adolescent growth spurt so he has no butt either. 

 

Jin clan boys have the kind of butt that you can only get with expensive personal training and a chef who prepares precisely macro-calibrated meals. It's a sculpted butt, but not a voluptuous butt, because that would be vulgar. It's a butt without soul. Yanli can bounce a quarter off Jin Zixuan's butt, and I hope she does, because that's the most fun she's ever gonna have with that butt. 

 

Nie Mingjue doesn't squat or deadlift heavy anymore because he injured his knee playing football. He still benches what he did when he was captain of the football team, though. Mediocre butt. 

 

Meng Yao posts Instagram booty workouts and aspires to break the internet like Kim Kardashian some day. 

 

Nie Huaisang secretly follows Meng Yao's Instagram booty workouts and is going to break the internet like Kim Kardashian some day. 

 

Most of the Lan Clan boys are those teenage boys who go to the gym and train with all the weights, but they just don't eat enough calories and complain all the time about being 'hardgainers'. They all have abs, but uninspired butts. Except Zewu Jun. Zewu Jun does the Squatz AND eats all his chicken and rice. You wanna know what the real Twin Jades of Gusu are? They're what you see when Zewu Jun walks out of a room. 

 

Oh, and Lan Sizhui has the cutest little bubble butt. He doesn't train any smarter or eat any better than the other Lan boys, it's just genetics. Don't hate him because he's beautiful. 

 

And before you present me with photographic evidence of Wang Yibo in street clothes having a banging backside, please remember that this is totally based on fitness stereotypes and character personalities, and I in no way intend to disparage anyone's actual ass. 

 

Okay, now that that 600 word digression is over, let's hit play. 

 

"My spiritual tool is not yet refined. No one has seen it yet." Not that Lan Zhan doesn't want to. 

 

Intense standoff between Wen Ruohan and Wei Wuxian. And Wen Ruohan is stabbed in the back by Meng Yao. Nie Mingjue's gonna be pissed at that. 

 

And indeed, he is. 

 

Fortunately, Zewu Jun is there to explain the concept of a "double agent". 

 

Come on Yanli, if we can't be spiteful about the Jin clan, who can we be spiteful about? 

 

Lan Zhan arrives, with an expression that says, "I'm so glad to see you awake, but honestly this was easier when you unconscious."

 

Intense not making eye contact going on here. 

 

Wei Wuxian wants to talk, and Lan Zhan is just like, "Shut up, I'm playing." Lead guitarists. All their emotions go into their solos and if you aren't paying rapt attention, they have a hissy fit. 

 

"Do you also think the Stygian Tiger Amulet is evil?" It's not called the "Fluffy Kitten Amulet".

 

Meng Yao now has a new name and a stupid hat. What's he up to? There's something going on in that crafty little head of his besides "143 Inappropriate Things I Could Do With Lan Xichen's Headband" and I don't know what it is. 

 

"Would you like to learn the musical notation of 'Absterge'?" Shoot, I really thought that meant "Wanna come back to my room and make some sheet music?" but Wei Wuxian's reaction suggests otherwise. 

 

Their heart-to-heart conversation is interrupted by the sounds of innocents being slaughtered. 

 

Aw, they're gonna play a duet! Yes!!!

 

Nie Mingjue, Zewu Jun, and Jin Guangyao swear an oath of loyalty. That's not gonna backfire at all. 

 

And Clan Leader Jin is throwing a big party, and everyone is invited. The Muffin Clan leader is here. He survived after all! 

 

Oh, Jin Guangyao has "accidentally" offended Nie Mingjue, by offering him the wrong seat. So Clan Leader Jin takes the offensive seat? Eh?  

 

I see that "where's your sword?" is basically code for "practicing black magic, now, eh?"

 

Wei Wuxian has never sat through an entire banquet in his life, has he? Lan Zhan seems to feel that this strategy of filtering all his emotions through music is working for him. 

 

Clan leader Jin wants the betrothal of Yanli and Zixuan back on again. Everybody looks around like, "Oh shit."