Episode 30: Soup Will Bring Us Together, Love Will Tear Us Apart

 Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 10

Intense Eye Contact: 0

Facial Twitch: 1

Fist Clench: 0

 

Surely those are daikon and not turnips? I mean, I guess translating it as "daikon" would be weird and "radish" means something entirely different to the typical American, but I'm pretty sure that's not a turnip. 

 

Hah, and then the fake Yiling disciple shows up. 

 

Oh it's the old swap the turnips for a compass trick. 

 

Well, I guess the compass works, sort of. it leads us to an unexpected Jiang Cheng. Eeee! It's Yanli!!!! Dang girl, your lipstick is fierce! 

 

"You can't see the groom today." Girl, he is okay with that. I personally am intensely curious to know how Jin Zixuan looks all dolled up for his wedding, but I guess I'm going to have to wonder longer. 

 

Did Yanlli bring soup? You know she brought soup. 

 

Wei Wuxian gets to pick Legolas's courtesy name. 

 

Yes, she brought soup! And she even gives a bowl to Wen Ning. (I'm annoyed that there are two bigger bowls and one smaller bowl in the set, and Yanli has to apologize to Wen Ning for giving him the girl bowl. Yanli barely gets to eat in this damned show. It's fucked up.) Yanli is too sweet. I have been googling recipes for lotus root and rib soup, and it looks delicious. I want to make some. 

 

"How could I make it convincing if I didn't break your arm?" Wait, was that whole fight an act? 

 

Look at Wen Ning carrying that little bowl of soup up the mountain for Yuan! Can Wen Ning even really eat? Does he need to eat? There would be something adorkably cinnamon-roll about his being the best cook in the Burial Grounds and not even getting to eat anything. 

 

"Grow some lotus!" Okay, now we're getting into the real Demonic Cultivation. Wei Wuxian will have lotus root if it requires all the powers of hell. 

 

Note for future reference: Wen Ning can keep a secret for approximately 30 seconds. Or at least he can keep a secret from Wen Qing for approximately 30 seconds. 

 

"Fragrance Hall" i.e. The Jin clan stinks. 

 

Yuan interrupts the cultivation of lotus root, but provides good advice to Wei Wuxian. 

 

Hmmm. Clean Leader Jin doens't entirely trust StupidHat either. 

 

The moment that Clean Leader Jin explains that Guangyao can't ever possibly become clan leader is the moment you realize that Jin Guangyao is absolutely going to be clan leader. Shit. The only upside is that that means that Brattiest Jin is going to die. On the other hand, it also means Jin Zixuan is going to die. I mean I knew that, but that was before I liked him. 

 

Back in the Burial Grounds, lotus root is growing after all! 

 

ONE YEAR LATER. What, we don't get to see the wedding? I wanted to see the wedding. My curiosity about what Jin Fancypants looks like in his wedding garb will go forever unfulfilled. We just get to hear the gossip about Jin Ling Rulan being born! 

 

We see little Legolas, and get the announcement that the fairy godmothers, I mean Zewu Jun and Huanguang Jun, have arrived. Guangyao looks really upset at not getting to hold the baby. Does he secretly eat babies or something? 

 

Jin Brat gonna brat. 

 

"The Ghost General Wen Ning is also troublesome." The Ghost General Wen Ning has been selling radishes and feeding soup to toddlers. 

 

Guangyao is clearly setting up the next stage of his narrative where the four clans are going to extend an oh-so-reasonable-seeming olive branch to Wei Wuxian only to jerk it away at the last minute like Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown. Zewu Jun is totally taken in. You can tell that Zewu Jun was always the peacemaker in the family as a child. He ought to be working on this in therapy, but instead he's been taken in by a pair of dimples in a stupid hat. Lan Zhan looks suspicious. Brat looks extremely uncomfortable. 

 

Clearly something is up with Zixun. 

 

Jin Guangyao: "Do you have any personal grudges against Young Master Wei?" Dude, you were there when they last met. Were you paying any attention?

Episode 31: A Really Really Unfunny Thing Happened on the Way to Lanling

 Zhanalytics

Brooding Stares: 0?

Intense Eye Contact: 0?

Facial Twitch: 0?

Fist Clench: 0?

 

I'm pretty sure I blew the Zhanalytics on this one, because Lan Zhan's only appearance in this episode is right after the biggest "OH SHIT" moment to happen in several episodes and honestly, I was too shook to pay much attention to Lan Zhan's face. Which seriously tells you something about the magnitude of my shookedness, because normally at least once an episode I have to rewind a scene with Lan Zhan in it because I'm so busy watching his face I forgot to read the subtitles. 

 

Meanwhile in the burial mounds, there's a bumper crop of lotus. Yuan tries to eat one of the seeds (because Yuan relates to everything by either trying to eat it or hug it). Wei Wuxian tells him not to eat the seeds, but carry them for protection. 

 

Wen Ning shows up with a letter inviting Wei Wuxian to meet his nephew. 

 

There's a controversial idea involving the Jin clan building lookouts. Why is this controversial? It was Jin Guangyao's idea. It must be terrible. 

 

Wei Wuxian buys a tassel. But his real gift is a demon-protection bracelet. Which Wen Ning can't touch. 

 

So they're off to Jin Rulan's one-month party, where absolutely nothing is going to go wrong. Until an arrow flies at Wei Wuxian. Oh, good catch, Ghost General. Oh look, it's a whole bunch of Jin clan folks on their way to murder Wei Wuxian. 

 

Yikes. What happened to Zixun? The Hundred Holes Curse, apparently. Wei Wuxian is all, "Who the hell did that? It wasn't me!" Zixun is unconvinced. Somebody is messing around, though. 

 

Uh, oh. Ghost General unleashed. 

 

In the middle of the fight, Jin Zixun gets hold of Jin Ling's baby present. Give it back, you brat!

 

Zixuan arrives to save the day. Standoff. Meanwhile, Wen Ning is walloping a score or so of miscellaneous retainers. Wait, is that someone in Lan Clan dress in the back there? 

 

Zixun destroys the bracelet. You brat! 

 

Wen Ning! What the fuck did you just do? You killed the wrong Jin! Actually, no, I don't think killing the other one now makes matters better. 

 

Back at Carp tower, Lan Zhan is looking for Jin Guangyao, wanting to know where the other Lan Clan folks went with Zixun. Oh, that was someone in Lan Clan dress with Zixun. I guess Brattiest Jin rounded up a cross-clan posse for his Wei Wuxian hunting. 

 

Back in Burial Mounds, Wei Wuxian is questioning his life choices. And then Wen Qing stabs him with a needle. Because decisions need to be made, and Wei Wuxian isn't being consulted. Wen Ning and Wen Qing are going to give themselves up to the Jin Clan for him. Aaaagh. 

 

Wei Wuxian wants to find the person who cast the spell. Which would involve getting everyone to strip naked for inspection. I think that this is a BRILLIANT idea, but Wen Qing is less convinced. I mean, she has a point about logistics and practicalities and blah blah blah, but it's a hell of a missed bet not to at least try to get everyone to take their clothes off. 

 

Wait, is the whole Wen Clan going to Carp Tower? Even little Yuan? Noooo. Not Yuan!!! 

 

Wie Wuxian wakes up and finds everyone gone, and heads off to Carp Tower. Will he arrive too late?